I took a break from social media to spend more time with my family. My family has requested I spend more time with social media.
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<~>Fortune Cookie<~>
We see you put egg roll from buffet in purse. Very bad woman.
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Her: Has anyone ever told you that you’re a narcissist?
Me: Many times. What can I say? Nobody’s perfect.
Except for me, obviously.
*5 people I know walk right past me at the store*
Me: *patting mask* thank you
My favorite way of establishing dominance is to spend hours cleaning my entire room and then say “sorry it’s so messy” when people come in
Nothing like quiet, peaceful coffee on the patio
Till the neighbors start to mow
It’s weird how obituaries state that someone was “survived” by, say, a son and daughter, as if the deceased hadn’t quite got round to murdering them.
I only sleep with people who make me laugh.
Luckily, I find myself hilarious.
I want negative calorie credit for all the junk food I pass up. Didn’t eat that cookie? That’s -150 calories.
The rose scented hand sanitizer I got from Bath & Body Works reminds me of a funeral home so I just kinda go with it and think of the dead germs.
My wife can spot me dropping a single crumb anywhere in our house from 50 feet away but her car looks like a Starbucks exploded inside of it.
*tucks napkin into my shirt*
This meal could get messy.
[walks into gym with my sunglasses on]
WHATS UP LADIES
*takes off sunglasses*
damn it 3rd treadmill I’ve hit on this week
ME: Sorry I’m late, I had computer problems.
BOSS: Hard drive?
ME: Nah, there was no traffic, just the computer problems.
I serve garlic bread at every meal, but these blood-sucking vampires still haven’t moved out.
my landlord charged a pet fee for the ants in my kitchen. i need $48,000,000 by friday or im evicted. how did he count them they are so fast
Depraved Masochist Enjoys Following The News
TURTLE: hey, you carry your house around too!
HERMIT CRAB: i do. where’d you find yours?
T: i was born with it
HC: *scoff* ok princess
In my daydreams I’m majestic, like a hippo ballerina, but in reality, I’m a rhinoceros breakdancer.
Who’s Rudolph’s favourite pop star?
Beyon-sleigh.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
Cutting the mail slot in my door bigger to fit a pizza box.
If my ex had an autobiography it would be called “Mein Cramps”
What, did you NOT SEE that one coming?
I have a joke about trickle down economics.
99% of you won’t ever get it.
Me: *practices best man speech while shaving in front of mirror*
Driver’s ed instructor: stop the car
“want to go grab some dinner?”
*lights cat on fire* sorry I can’t my cats on fire
What, this is my emotional support rabid wolf
Are you thinking of putting a dozen Cheerios in a ring box on the kitchen counter with a sign that says “Honey, I Shrunk The Donuts”, just to keep your marriage exciting, or are you normal?
3 introduced me to a new game he calls “It’s Mine” he hands you an object and when you say “thank you” he grabs it back and yells “that’s mine”
1/5 stars, do not recommend, but honestly it’s not the worst game he’s made up
CRAIGSLIST AD: Wanted – chicken nugget shaped like Rafael. Have 2 Leonardo’s, willing to trade. Serious offers only. No Michaelangelo’s.