Since when is a sweater vest not business casual?
Work is telling me I can’t wear them anymore unless I have a shirt underneath.
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What doesn’t kill you is coming back later with spiders.
my cat frankie loves this weird ugly chair that came with my apartment. it’s gotta be one of his top 3 favorite spots to chill or sleep and probably like every third time i walk in and find him there i go “chairman of the board over here” but he never laughs
Apple want $3,500 for their Vision Pro. No thanks. I can look like a dork for free.
Oh, horrific shit happened in a little town where no one locked their doors? You don’t say?
My child saw my high school senior picture and practically screeched “MOM WHY DIDNT YOU TELL ME YOU WERE PRETTY??!!” so you guys just go ahead without me
I enjoy learning about the world by watching the Olympics. So far I’ve learned that Canada ISN’T the only country that participates in curling.
[Watching Alien: Resurrection]
*Alien dies*
Me: *skeptical* Not buying it.
Getting a neck tattoo is probably the coolest way to show your love for manual labour.
Right now, Girl Scout moms are hungrily eyeing the cases of cookies filling their living rooms and wondering if their bank accounts can take the hit
Me: [sat in car]
Cop: u forget something? [Points at baby still on roof in his carrier]
Me: OMG yes [gets out & puts on his flying goggles]
I saw this late last night before bed and it literally haunted my dreams
“It’s five o’clock somewhere” I say as I leave work at 9am
[finishing last sip of wine]
waiter: would you like another glass?
me: no just refill this one
Wrong officer, none of these drugs are being carried with the intent to distribute
[Amazon marketing emails]
‘BUY BOOKS!’ *delete*
‘BUY CD’s & DVD’s!’ *delete*
‘BUY TABLETS & PCs!’ *delete*
‘BUY HOME DEFIBRILATORS!’ *del—*
*looks in mirror*
Hmm *—add to basket*
Who told cauliflower it can be anything it wants?
I’m sorry for the things I said when you opened a new gallon of milk when there was one already open
“How do you feel about this combination of paint?”
“Well, mixed emulsions really”
I pan fried chicken tonight.
On another completely unrelated note: the firemen in my town are gorgeoussssss.
Reasons my teen is mad this morning
– I took her shopping
– I bought the shirt she wanted
– I asked her to wear the shirt
– I don’t understand why the shirt doesn’t have the vibes
#rubbishjokes
How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb?None – it’s a hardware problem.
I wonder why they don’t like me using the label maker
manning had to write 500 words about thomas edison, he got his 500 word count pretty quickly: When Thomas Edison was 12 Thomas Edison convinced Thomas Edison’s parents to let Thomas Edison start selling newspapers. (the entire paper is like this!!)
[happy hour with friends discussing politics]
me: I’m going to keep my mouth shut.
alcohol: wanna bet.
Get your hero name by doing something brave and seeing what the newspapers call you.
I’m Local Man.
If you get on the train while people are still getting off, may your tea be forever cold
*Walks into puppy store wearing a large trenchcoat*
*Hurries out of puppy store in a much tighter-fitting trenchcoat*
me: *releasing a hot dog into the tube at the bank drive-thru* be free
Apparently “I had a lovely chat with the tomatoes while weeding the garden yesterday” doesn’t count when your therapist asks you about your social interactions since the last session.
“Okay player Mikehunt782 is it this time. I gotta hide, Mike Hunt is coming. You’ll never get me Mike Hunt! I’m taunting Mike Hunt. Time’s running out, I’m going to be safe. Yes! Take that Mike Hunt!”
* my 8yr old insisting on yelling out user names on Roblox