People just said “go to the gym” they never mentioned that you have to actually do things when you get there I’ve been doing this so wrong.
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inflation so bad the sorting hat had to get another job
GIRLFRIEND: I’m breaking up with you
ME: Is it because I thought cleavage was a period in history where they fought with only axes?
HER: Yes. Yes it is.
ME: I had salmon for lunch
WIFE: the L is silent, idiot
ME: haha I knew that, I meant unch
PILOT: we’ll be experiencing some cabin pressure changes
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: *sits down next to me* so have you thought about going back to school
If you force me to choose sides, I’d choose mashed potatoes.
just once i’d like to lay in bed nude and drink a cup of tea without an art class trying to paint my portrait
According to HR, the boss can come into my office eating a kebab when I’ve only had an apple for lunch
but I can’t throw my chair at him
*Facebook down*
Grandpa: *in the back alley* Yes, can I please get a gram of conspiracy theories
Sermons in 10 minutes or less or you go to Heaven for FREE!!
Wife: We’re so happy we finish each other’s
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Marriage Counsellor: ok so not happy
me: *sees a dead bird* this is a bad omen
wife: you’re ruining thanksgiving
Everyone on FB is posting the status- I voted. I guess it’s truthful Tuesday so I posted- I once killed a hobo & hid his body in a barrel.
REASONS TO KEEP A WRITER IN YOUR HOME
• they know weird facts
• they’re low maintenance because all they do is eat and write
• great for midnight chats because they don’t sleep
• if they have to edit they’ll procrastinate by cleaning your whole house
Her Tinder profile: I love hiking, riding bikes, long wa–
Me: Sounds like a lot of doing stuff. Next
Housetraining our dog which is why my participation in this morning’s Zoom meeting ended with, “Well, right now I’m working on upgrading myNOOOOOO NOO NO OUTSIDE OUTSIDE”
[soup kitchen]
*homeless man is handed a plate*
What the hell is this?
-Turkey bacon.
*throws tray against wall*
I’m hungry! Not desperate!
whenever i see babies crying in movies, i feel so bad. but then i remember it’s just pretend. they’re acting. they’re professionals. they know what they’re doing
A lot of people don’t realize that Donald Glover and Childish Gambino are actually Hannah Montana
So when is too soon to ask your friend if you can borrow their baby to reenact The Lion King? One day old? Two?
I wish my doctor would put down a little treat to distract me like my vet does for my dog.
I hope 2016 doesn’t get renewed. The plot is ridiculous and none of the characters are likable.
My daughter found my twitter. I have just one thing to say – clean your room.
Welcome to your 40s: you’re not exhausted that’s just your face now.
I yearn for simpler times when everyone was losing their shit over the word moist
Her: undress me with your words
Him: I just saw a spider go down your top
CAPTCHA: Prove you aren’t a robot
Me, a sex machine: *sweating*
Had to quit my Uber Eats job, turns out they keep track of how many orders you report “flew out the window,” and “all of them” is too many.
[undercover FBI agent who’s had me under surveillance for weeks decides to blow his cover] do you ever stop eating?
grandpa: you kids don’t know how tough life was back when-
me: grandpa if you ate a single Flamin’ Hot Cheeto you would die immediately please check your tone