I don’t moan during sex, I prefer to yodel.
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4 when I ask to play with him: please don’t touch my toys mommy
4 when I’m trying to take a relaxing bath: please accept every toy I own immediately
Me: Ask me no questions and I’ll tell you no lies.
Minister: That’s not really appropriate for wedding vows.
WOLF: Hey, can I have a thing?
GOD: Sure, like what?
WOLF: I want to scream at the moon.
GOD: Not wings, or—
WOLF: No.
GOD: But you cou—
WOLF: Scream. At. Moon.
If you walk through the store with a dried boogie on your nose people end conversations quicker
Date palm: a tree that also describes my romantic life.
Pretty sure my refrigerator is having sex with itself from all the noises its making.
My super power is getting hungry as soon as someone says the food won’t be ready for two hours.
A vanilla latte w soy milk is technically a 3 bean soup but none of yall are ready to talk about that huh??
Always make sure that you are taking time for self-care. Because, if you don’t love yourself, how are you gonna love somebody else?! 😘 You got this 💪
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#positivethoughts #positivemind #positivelife #dailymotivation #personalgrowth #selfcare #safecarequotes
7yo: What are these?
Me: Cucumbers. Last week, you said you wanted to eat more healthy.
7yo: No, I meant that DAY, not all the time
Legend has it that if you don’t look a coworker in the eye they won’t stop to tell you about their weekend.
7 years ago today I swallowed gum….. and now we wait
[gathers around casket and see’s it’s full of gatorade] uh oh, then that means
[grandma’s body is being dumped over the winning coach]
craving $300 all of a sudden
I’m sorry I slapped you but you didn’t seem like you would ever stop talking and I panicked.
I once sprained my wrist flapping away too vigorously in a panic after I walked into a massive spider’s web. I told everybody I damaged my hand playing rugby
“I’ll do it after I’m dead”
People that don’t know how death works.
Day 126 with no sex. I’ve lost hearing in my right eye
“Still too cold… Still too cold…”
“Screw it, I can’t be late again.”
I’m like the reverse Goldilocks. I’d lay on a bed of nails and be like, “No, no, this is fine.”
Me, losing my shit:
Heeere shitty, shitty, shitty!
Men are almost twice as likely to tell pollsters that they have a plan for the zombie apocalypse than women. Often before the pollsters even ask.
Heyyyyyyyyyyyo lol 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣😏🥴🤦♂️🤷♂️
About to go assert my dominance over the other dads in my neighborhood by washing, waxing and detailing my car, the war has begun
2000 years ago:
god: i shall sacrifice my only son so that all may have eternal lifeToday:
god, watching us eat tide pods: jesus christ
Homosexuals please help me. I think my hamsters are gay. How do I let them know it’s okay?
Detective: The robber broke into the Popeye’s but didn’t take any money, in fact no one has seen him leave.
Me *disguised as a cop*: Weird, right? We should put the fried chicken and red beans and rice in my Corolla for protective custody.
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
I got tired of arguing with my kids about screen time and also tired of telling them to plug in their devices, so I‘ve stopped charging them myself and now I don’t have to argue with the kids because their devices are all out of battery
her: i’m breaking up with u
me: we can work this out Linda
her: it’s Lydia