My husband is out of surgery and in recovery. What was the first thing my drug induced sweetheart said to me? That he loved me? That I was beautiful? That he missed me?
Nope.
Mashed potatoes. That’s what he said. Mashed potatoes. Get me some mashed potatoes.
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So me and my demons are gonna have a few bloody mary’s and see where the day takes us. Would you and your demons like to tag along?
I can’t wait to hear Billy Joel’s song about 2020!
I know you all think *I’m* the chaotic one in my family, but a baboon troop just broke into my sister’s house and stole two jars of peanut butter and her husband chased them off with a baseball bat, an event she relayed by dropping a video with no explanation in the group chat
I’m not saying my house is haunted, but something just growled in here. It can’t see me if I hide under the covers right?
Picture someone you think is kinda/sorta attractive.
Now picture them holding a pizza box.
For sale: 1 brain, only dropped once, OW, dammit, ok twice
My son knows he can’t use the f word in public and he certainly can’t say it in front of his younger sister or she’ll want to use it and also he thinks the f word is “phone.”
I want an HGTV show called “How Do You Like Your Open Concept Now?”
*Gets left on read for hours*
Me: “I’m never talking to them again”
Them: *Finally replies*
Me:
One fun thing about kids crying is trying to determine if they broke a crayon or got their arm stuck in a piece of farming equipment.
The 4th little pig built his house into a windmill. The wolf huffed and puffed and generated enough power to last the whole winter.
“Boo!” — cow with a cold
High school never prepared me for how many times I would have to fix a toilet when I grew up.
Hey babe i wanted to marry you but i had to ask your dad first and he said yes so i guess i’m marrying your dad
Not all heroes wear capes…
[11 has been working on his homework for 1 hour]
11: Guess what, there are only 3 people in the U.S. with my exact name.
Me: What class is this for?
11: I haven’t started yet.
The Three Little Pigs use the money from their life story to build the ultimate house.
My wife hates it when I say “You are just like your mother!”
Actually, she hates it when I say *anything* during sex.
I hate laundry, dishes, sweeping, mopping, dusting, fixing and fetching. The only logical conclusion is that I am descended from royalty.
[Guy goes on a date w me]
Hm not sure if he likes me
[13 more dates]
Dunno?
[Marries me]
It’s so confusing
[Stays w me 30 yrs]
How do u tell
COP: Give back the money you stole
ME: Already spent it
COP: On what?
ME: Karate lessons which [does vague swishes w/ hand] I did not attend
Seeing my kids getting along, laughing, and peacefully playing together is the best fourteen seconds of my day.
Leo: Your natural selfishness will play to your advantage today when you spot a donut in the hands of a child you could easily overpower.
WOMAN: Is anyone here a doctor?!
MAN: I sure am! And I think I can. Save that man. Like eggs & ham.
W: Shutup Seuss! I meant a real doctor.
Yes, let’s group-edit this 3 page Word doc line-by-line on a conference call. That seems efficient.
*stares into the abyss
The Abyss: Okay you’re kind of freaking me out.
THERAPIST: You need more friends
ME: I put bird seed that attracts raccoons in the backyard, last week
THERAPIST: …
ME: …
THERAPIST: … So all of these-
ME: [surrounded by raccoons] Whatever you have to say to me, you can say in front of the garbage boys
If my husband bought a creepy, decrepit house in the middle of nowhere to give us a “fresh start” and the evil spirit inhabiting it tried to possess me, he’d never hear the end of it.
Bird: We can fly so we can go anywhere, soar through the skies, glide through the air!!
Bird 2: It’s incredible!!
Bird: imma stand in the road
Bird 2: Me too
Find yourself a partner who’ll sneak out of bathroom windows with you at holiday parties.