Caught my uncle checking his phone mid way through the rosary and I absolutely squealed on him (for context I’m 41 and a guest in their home).
You Might Also Like
Pet peeve. Toilets that flush 4 me the moment I stand. I’d like to see the work I’ve done before it’s violently ripped from my view. #life
Judging by their knives, the Swiss Army is mostly bartenders.
I have to lose 20 lbs in 3 days. Piece of cake, I tell the waitress. Chocolate. Thanks.
Them: love what you do and you’ll never work a day in your life
Me: ok how can I make this apply to eating cheese?
So lemme get this straight. Han Solo can understand Chewbacca just fine but at age 900, basic English grammar still goes over Yoda’s head.
Mood.. 😂
If you enjoy waking up and checking to see what died, get a fish tank
When I eat spaghetti I always check both ends of the noodle so I don’t accidentally kiss a dog.
I don’t even like sleep, it’s just the only way I can eat spiders
trainer: Why are you here?
everyone else: To get fit!
me [with a mouthful of gummy bears] Mmfff
ME: This is my parrot. I call him a repeat offender lol
DATE: Haha, because you say something & he says it back to
ME: He’s murdered 7 people
What is a good name for a nun in Heaven?
If you guessed “Heaven nun” or “Angel nun” you’re wrong.
The answer is “Nun of the Above”.
6: Dad what’s a Kardashian?
Me: Nobody really knows…
6: Sounds really stupid
Me: I love you
You’ve heard of Christ on a cracker, now get ready for Beelzebub on a biscuit
Convince neighbours you’re shrinking by walking past their window with progressively larger jars of hellmann’s mayonnaise.
My wife handed me a clean towel and asked me to “put it in its place.” So, I looked at it and said, “Don’t forget that you’re only a towel,” and I was reminded yet again of just how lucky this woman was to be married to me.
I’ll never buy an electric guitar. Only gas guitars for me thank you very much.
I’m going to stop doing any exercise that stimulates my muscles so I can finally be atrophy wife.
I love how my dog hears me in the kitchen and runs in, as if expecting to magically see four hamburgers and a steak just laying on the ground.
“The three ingredients found in every kitchen.” This recipe is making some fancy assumptions about my kitchen.
The number of supermarket loyalty cards I have suggests I am anything but.
Me: I don’t really know anything about Canada.
Canada: Let’s keep it that way.
If someone posts a picture of their kid on Facebook making a stupid face, I like to comment with, “Oh, NOW I see the resemblance!”
I don’t like the idea of bacteria in my yogurt so I mix it with hand sanitizer. It cuts down on the taste, but I sleep better at night.
[unzips fannypack filled with jellybeans and some fall out]
Dammit
[bends over to pick them up and the rest spill out]
DAMMIT
Rick Astley will let you borrow any movie from his Pixar collection except for one. He’s never gonna give you Up.
The banking industry gave me unrealistic expectations that it was ok to fail
Him: whatcha thinkin bout?
Me [already half way out the window]: our future.