Turns out my get rich painfully slow scheme isn’t working out either.
You Might Also Like
“the blood moon rises once again” [the dishes i washed yesterday respawn in my sink]
*wears a clown mask hitchhiking*
Why’s nobody stopping, everyone loves clowns, right?
Do we still do thirst traps threads? I’m having a really good bellybutton day and it’s totally going to waste
Every liquor store should sell lemons, limes, and oranges!!!!!!!!!
Witness: … she said it, exactly so… verbatim.
Judge: *checks notes* Who the heck is Verb and who did he eat?!
people talk about being able to fold a fitted sheet and I’m like wow there are people who make their bed
Oh, you’re with child? That’s cool. I’m with vodka.
*rubs belly*
Jay Z: Can I get a what what?
Teacher: Jay Z, can you or may you?
Jay Z: SORRY MAY I GET A WHAT WHAT
Teacher: Yes, you may get a what what.
me: *handing James Bond a mug of blended olives and vermouth* yeah I don’t know how to do either of those
“If I let them stay up late on Friday night, we can sleep in Saturday morning!”
-a strategy that has never worked for any parent, ever.
Most Well-known Speeches:
1. Gettysburg Address – Abe Lincoln
2. I Have a Dream – Martin Luther King
3. You Need to Floss – Every Dentist
doctor: there are two wolves inside of you
me: … what does that mean? am i going to die?
doctor: won’t we all, someday?
me: shouldn’t you know?
doctor: *looking at the MRI* my doctorate is in philosophy
My 4yo refers to any time in the past as ‘last years ago’ which is about as accurate as when I say ‘the other day’.
Me: I’m updating my fitness app. Is bowling a sport?
Him: You didn’t bowl. You kept score.
Me: Is score-keeping for bowling a sport?
I like to stop drinking somewhere between “watch this” and “ohhhhhh shit”.
She died as she lived. Listening to the story of what her kid watched on YouTube that day.
I’m sorry, can you repeat that? I was imagining how you would look as a lamp shade.
doctors don’t really need to hit you with that rubber hammer it’s just how they release a lil tension through the day
glad to see they’re taking this season of american horror story in a bold new exact same direction.
Rules for being a good neighbor:
1. MIND YOUR OWN GODDAMN BUSINESS
2. Don’t forget rule number one.
Next time during church, stand up and ask your pastor “Have you ever turned down heroin?” Both Yes and No are equally entertaining answers.
Her: Look at my new shoes! They light up when I walk away…
Me: Doesn’t everyone?
[first day as a director]
me, right after a scene ends perfectly: aaaaaand cup
ME AS A MARRIAGE COUNSELOR:
I signed you both up for Tinder*1 week later
ME: You still want a divorce?
THEM: OMG NO THAT WAS HORRIFYING
I saw a car with a flat tire so I offered to help. She tells me to hurry cause she has a hair appoinment..This is how serial killers r born
A public stoning, but it’s just a group of people throwing donut holes at me
Called in, “I can either stay home today and learn to play this accordion or bring it in with me. Your call.”
*seductively takes off winter coat*
*seductively takes off another coat*
*seductively takes off another coat*
Husband: Okay, you’ve made your point. I’ll turn up the thermostat.