I just want to be as happy as the couple described in the first five minutes of any Dateline episode.
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pls don’t buy me anything family size i have no self control and no family
These days, I just want a manageable sandwich. Nothing that requires strategy.
Me: somebody stole my stapler
HR: you’re working from home
*being murdered*
Him: You should of kept your mouth shut
Me: No. It’s should HAVE
*gets stabbed another 84 times*
I was walking near a construction site today and heard the foreman yell, “You’re doing a good job!” I know that was meant for me.
My husband got his hand stuck in the dishwasher.
So of course I had to fire her.
If you’ve seen one shopping centre, you’ve seen a mall.
Andrew Garfield implies the existence of Andrew Nermal and Andrew Odie
Obama: Joe, look. Full moon
Biden: What? TONIGHT? *starts shapeshifting*
Obama: Joe?
Biden: AARRGHHH
*Gore kicks door down*
Gore: MANBEARPIG
Wife: why are you smiling?
[realizing if Blue from Blue’s Clues and Clifford had puppies they’d be purple]
Me: I was thinking about you.
God made humans, but only because there wasn’t anything good to watch on TV.
whenever i see sombody obsessively taking photos of the sunset, i go up to them & whisper “dont worry.. the sun is gonna come back tomorow”
“We have literally a zillion binders full of selfies.” – Top Secret NSA Memo
“No woman, no cry.” – Tarzan breaking up with girlfriend.
When listening to skinny girls talk about losing weight it’s perfectly reasonable to battle cry then karate chop their tiny stomach’s.
Hi everyone, welcome to Motorboat Club. Let’s get started on some sailing basics.
*Man in back row throws brochure on ground and storms out*
Had a great convo w someone I really admire and then immediately walked into a glass door. The lord giveth and the lord wrecketh away
I don’t like grudges. My Aunt kept grudges. I’ve always hated her for it.
This Halloween I’m going as that friendly guy who walked around your college campus but wasn’t even enrolled & turned out to be 28 & then disappeared completely
Her: you’re damaged goods
Me *thinking*: she thinks I’m good!
Idea: shants. Pants for when you don’t want to wear pants. It’s still very much in the concept phase, ok?
Twitter announced today that they’ve lost 134 million dollars this year. I don’t know if they want us to look for it or what the deal is.
Sorry I can’t pay for a new car right now, I’m still paying off a Naked Juice I bought in 2014
*looks over shoulder*
*puts tiny piece of paper in trash*Wife (from upstairs): THAT CAN BE RECYCLED!!!
My kid just yanked out a loose tooth and set it next to the flowers he got me, and is that…is that part of the gift
How apt that, after listening to “hold music” for an hour, I need a hug.
creepiest cooking vid i’ve ever seen
Awwww, your kids sound like they are still adorable. My kids are teenagers. They make “yo mama” jokes and then look over at me nervously.
How to eat French fries:
1) Eat all the good ones.
2) Leave the yucky ones and feel superior.
3) Wait 5 minutes.
4) Eat all the yucky ones.
[company all-hands Zoom call]
CEO: The future is ahead of us!
Me [unmuting]: Um. Yeah. That’s how time works.