On June 28, 2009 Stephen Hawking threw a party for time-travelers. He announced the party the day after it happened and he said no one came.
You Might Also Like
I’ve dated a depressed lawyer and a manic musician, but now I’m dating an emotionally stable psychic. He’s wonderful. A happy medium.
Ways to get ants out of your house:
1) Ant traps
2) Say you had a good time but it’s late & you have work tomorrow
3) Set house on fire
Hate it when I tell a guy something deeply intimate and personal and he’s all, “Ma’am, does that complete your order?”
ME: cheese omelette
WAITER: chicken or Cadbury Creme eggs
ME: hmmm… you know what, surprise me
My 4 year old asked if she could put makeup on me. I asked jokingly if she was going to “make me pretty,” to which she responded, dead serious, “you’re ALWAYS pretty, Mommy.” So I need to know where to get this child a unicorn do they have those on Amazon?
[emergency room]
NURSE: It seems you’ve swallowed an abacus?
ME: She told me it’s what’s on the inside that counts
WIFE: I hate you
The Indian version of “How I Met Your Mother”is just a single episode called “I Met Her At Our Wedding”.
I just don’t know what to make of people anymore.
-Cannibal who’s out of dinner ideas
“Nice to meet you. What’s your real name? Want to see my dick?” – Every Kik convo, ever
Me: Can I please be 7? It’s my lucky number.
Policeman: Get in the damn line up.
How to create a weight-loss program: (1) Take a before picture. (2) Eat like a pig. (3) Take an after picture. (4) Switch the pictures.
Wife: I finally caught you. I could hear it from the other room. You were watching a dirty movie. Me: No. Its just womens tennis.
Just injected myself with bleach and as far as I can tell nothing is hapxczfdszg vhrwxx
$&8766bfdgjkklk vbczzsawq
I’m starting to worry about my husband’s eyesight. He can’t seem to see that the cutlery drawer is divided into sections.
CASHIER: okay, so your total comes to $13.82, have a nice day
ME (have spoken English literally every day of my entire life):
THANK
7: can we have an awake-over tonight?
me: an awake-over?
7: it’s like a sleepover but without the sleep
* wishes on shooting star
” the wish you have wished for has already been taken, please try again”
Drinking 8 to 12 glasses of water a day is good for you because you spend more time in the bathroom and less time at your job.
Fashion designers: What do you want?
Me: something that hides my belly fat, shows off my curves and something even an 80 year old would find comfortable
Fashion designers: we don’t do magic
Customer: can you get me some sandwich sauce
Waitress: mayo?
Customer: FINE, may you get me some sandwich sauce
“Nobody wants to work anymore”
Bro nobody has ever wanted to work
My teen son complained that the house was too cold. I suggested that cleaning his room would warm him up. All of a sudden, he’s not cold.
falsely accusing someone of being a contrarian is absolutely brutal. what can they say to that
Fun fact: if you play Hotel California backwards, and slowed down 30bpm, there’s a fantastic hidden quiche recipe
Having someone sing you to sleep is so comforting.
Until you realize you live alone.
After decorating the house, I spilled cheap vodka on some glitter and dirt I was sweeping up.
Now, my house looks like Ke$ha.
Sometimes, late at night, I’ll look up at the stars and wonder if you’re also stealing lawn furniture.
Speak when you are angry and you will make the best speech you will ever regret. – Ambrose Bierce
I sent an email saying “I see you all in prison tomorrow” instead of “in person tomorrow” and I’m pretty sure that’s the worst typo a judge can send to counsel.
I apparently said “keratin” instead of “ketamine” when discussing treatment options with my psychiatrist, so the bad news is that I remain a terminal depressive, but wow, my frizz is really well controlled.