would Medusa wear a hat
like this OR like this
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-Writing a parenting book.
-Calling it ” I’m going to give you a good reason to cry.”
Well hello, “Party-Size” bag of Doritos. Welcome to my party! There will be no other guests.
“If something goes wrong, we’ll just go to a blue DOS screen and dump out an indecipherable log of what happened”.
This was a choice made.
What do you mean my back has experienced trauma and needs time to recover? It hasn’t seen combat, I just bent over.
I always run towards screaming. Sure, it could be a horrible murder in progress. BUT it could also be ice cream.
[girlfriend sleeping over for the first time]
HER: This is nice.
ME: You need to move to the couch. My dog sleeps on that side.
An old natural remedy to soothe a broken heart is rubbing a jellyfish on it.
I never set out to be the hottest woman in the nursing home yet here we are.
Do I have a charge on my credit card bill for something called WIENERLICIOUS? Yes.
Is it a hot dog restaurant? Also yes.
Me: ‘I’d like to cancel my gym membership.’
Clerk: ‘It doesn’t look like you even have one.’
Me: ‘I’m trying to be more proactive.’
My obituary: She died in the shower, dancing away from a spider that was really just black sock fuzz.
Date *sitting on couch* I love scary movies
Me: ok but this is pretty dark, it’s about a boy plagued by haunted dolls
Date: Sounds good!
Me: The cowboy one is called Woody
*phone rings*
Yoda: Yoda
Luke: WTF VADER’S MY DAD?
Y: Uh
L: And you knew & told me to kill him?
Y:
L:
Y: Going thru a tunnel I am
*hangs up*
Had I been Jesus, being invited to “The Last Supper” would’ve raised a few red flags.
Disgusting if literal: Liverpool
Because of how time works, every photo is a ‘before’ photo.
Heard someone say their charcuterie house looks too good to eat and I don’t think they know how cheese works.
Marriage is funny. I say potato and my husband says what’s with the credit card bill.
Next episode of Why are Customers So Annoying
Dear Impatient Customer,
If you call someone and get their voicemail, calling me to transfer you will not make them answer when I’m transferring you to the same number you just called 5 seconds ago.
“Name?” queries the Starbucks barista. The almighty feathered serpent Quetzalcoatl only sighs.
Attention Walmart Shoppers –
There is someone dressed
Appropriately in
Aisle 12
Shout out to one of my friends who went to ice her Xmas cake & discovered a very happy boozy mouse in the tin 😂
HIM: tell me your wildest fantasy
ME: i’m on wheel of fortune and i spin it so hard it lights on fire
HIM: i meant like-
ME: everyone claps
Watched Gladiator again and imagined characters engaging in mundane conversations:
Maximus: ‘Are you going to the Colosseum tonight?’
Juba: ‘Nah, got laundry to do. Can’t wear bloodstained armor all the time, you know.’
WIFE: My favorite jeans are too tight now.
ME: That sucks.
WIFE: You must have shrunk them in the wash.
ME: But, they weren’t even in the laun-
WIFE: …
ME: You’re right, I’m sorry.
just got absolutely bodied by a 4 y/o girl on the tube – i gave my gf a kiss on the head and she points and shouts “look! her daddy is giving her kisses!”
I could have been a monk but I missed my chants
“you are strong. you are smart,” i whisper to myself as i struggle to figure out whether to push or pull on a door
Son: I thought about asking if you wanted a Klondike bar at 2 am.
Me: Why didn’t you ask?
S: I heard you snoring and didn’t want to wake you.
M: You can wake me any time, especially if it’s about ice cream.10 minutes later:
Me: So… I snore??