“Long story short” makes your story three words longer.
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[lips on a snake]
WIFE: what are you doing?
ME: getting rid of the poison
WIFE: you’re supposed to suck your own bite
SNAKE: leave him alone
If a whale bit my leg, I would simply pursue him relentlessly until my obsessive hatred became my undoing
My Cinderella story is backward.
I started out a princess.
Got drunk and lost a shoe when I
met a handsome guy.Now I scrub the floors.
beauty fades, drunken texts at 2am are forever
Owl Sanctuary
Wife: “Oh Honey, what would you do without me?”
Me: “realistically or in my fantasies?”
I made a cool diagram of how the Spanish Flu worked in 1918.
Welcome to your 40’s: that white stuff in your hair, is your hair.
Kissing someone mid sentence is only cute in movies. I will press my hand against your face and slowly push it way until I’m done talking.
Genie: you have 2.81 wishes.
Me: i thought it was three?
Genie: taxes.
I put a potato down my pants to impress a girl. Next time I’ll put it down the front.
My daughter asked me if I’d be very upset if she didn’t live with me when she’s a grownup so I told her I’d try my best once I stopped laughing
All my mom’s plants die from being overwatered and that’s all you need to know about my childhood and why I’m like this.
When a copywriter is asked to make a headline “punchier,” that’s both a description of what the requester wants and how they make us feel.
Choose your own adventure:
S O F A T H E R E Y E S P O P
Dad sees a soda?
Moving a couch for dad?
Obese girl with a vision problem?
The lady next to me on this plane thinks I’m in her seat, she keeps asking what my ticket says.
Looks like we have a big problem, cause my ticket doesn’t talk.
Her: I said I’d like to see you BETTER yourself.
Me: Oh. *slowly puts down butter knife*
All animals are wild animals if you give them tequila and lift up their t-shirts.
My new favourite thing is Italian mayors and regional presidents LOSING IT at people violating quarantine. Here’s an eng subtitled compilation. “I hear you wanna throw graduation parties. I’m gonna send the police over. With flamethrowers.” #Covid19 #coronavirus
I read that playing mind games will keep your brain sharp. I’ll start tonight by acting like I’m not mad when I really am mad.
Unicorns: *just jabbing holes in everything*
Noah: nope.
Just saw a squirrel jump about 15 feet from one tree to another. He is now my new emergency contact.
Her: “Wanna get some coffee?”
Me: “I actually don’t like coffee”
Her: *Gasp*
The whole town: *Gasp*
All of New York: *Gasp*
The media: “This just in *Gasp*”
The world: *Gasp*
Aliens: *Fleeb* (Gasp)
We get it, Aaron. You like vowels
bugs bunny: i’m asking lola to marry me, i need a ring
jeweler: how many karats
bugs bunny: however many it takes, my good man, i just love her soo much
i smell a pulitzer
Jesus: a 13th disciple? I don’t recall having seen you before, my friend
Disciple: I’m not a duck disguised as a man, if that’s what you’re thinking. Now tell me more about your body being made of bread
When my therapist asks how my anxiety level has been
Why does Jehovah need so many witnesses?
Sounds like a pretty shady dude to me.
I might use a few or 30 filters, but have never tried to pass someone else’s photos off as me.
Even when my first avi here was a pug, I let people know that I wasn’t really a pug