*Shovel
*Lye
*GlovesCashier: “Gardening project?”
Me: “Nope”*Bleach
*Duct tape
*Tarp
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If you can’t say something nice, say something mortifying and kinky.
WAITER: whaddaya have?
DADDY: go ahead son, tell the nice man what you want to eat
TODDLER: *extreme slingblade voice* you got any o’them french fried puhtaters? mmhmm
why is it that if you say your favorite food is “spaghetti” you sound like a three year old, but if you say some shit like “vermicelli” i’m like “woah this guy probably goes to the opera”
*calls bullshit
Bullshit: Who gave you my number.
I confused girdle and wordle, and now I can’t spell for crap but my waistline looks fabulous
[zoo]
wanna see the reptiles?
GUY NOT READY TO ADMIT HE LOVES SNAKES: i mean sure if u wanna stare at things that are like one long muscle
i like to try new things in the bedroom like getting a full 8 hours of sleep.
When I was a kid I used to yell at my grandma for drinking and driving and she was like “it’s Diet Coke” and I was like “but the tv said!” So what I’m saying is, kids really don’t know shit
WIFE: He never pays any attention to me. All he cares about is that dog.
THERAPIST: is this true?
ME: [sewing swim trunks for the dog] is what true?
Parenting is a minefield. Just because they loved Hotel Transylvania doesn’t mean they’ll love The Shining. Lesson learned.
My buddies and I used to play bank account chicken where you wire them the full contents of your account and say “bet you won’t send it back” but our wives made us stop
Carves “you are a doo-doo head” into the car door of my enemy because my sword is mightier as a pen or something like that
me: you can’t take a joke
joke thief: what
Them: how does 9am sound?
Me: sounds like you’re dead to me
henry VIII found four more women to marry him after he cut his wife’s head off and i can’t get a txt back
DID YOU KNOW: Petting dogs is a video game, and if u pet a dog perfectly enough, u will unlock the ability to go to a dog’s Birthday Party
computer: create username
me: liamneesonskid
computer: username has been taken
The last time I was this drunk and covered in glitter, it had nothing to do with Christmas.
Every once in a while someone comes along, and if you are really still they’ll eventually go away.
the worst words you can hear after putting something in the dishwasher: “that’s clean”
Wish all of my viruses were this polite
DATE: It’s hard to find a girl that likes goth guys
ME: [hiding a lantern in my purse] You know, it’s weird, I actually thought your profile said moth guys
[after dinner]
Me: I can’t eat another bite.
Also me: *whimsically eats entire spongebob ice cream cake*
I was pretty frustrated when my 5yo kept calling me an “old man” until he clarified that being old meant that I was 20
Therapist: Your relationships fail due to your selfishness
*I slip him a twenty*
T: They fail because you’re great & everyone else is awful
I had to see these photos of somebody putting their sphinx cat in a wig and dress and now so do you.
If my skinny friend keeps complaining that she’s fat, I may have to throw one of my breakfast donuts at her.
When we go back to in-person office meetings, I’m going to start out by soundlessly moving my lips until people yell at me, just for continuity.
[kidnapper hands wife phone]
“brent”
BABY IM COMIN *kidnapper takes back phone but she can hear me yelling* IS THE HAM IN THE FRIDGE EXPIRED
One time dad asked what my five-year plan was, and I said “death or becoming a pirate king” and he threw my cat Alan at me