My family doesn’t know about the secret compartment under the floorboards where I keep my working phone charger, sharpies and toothpaste that I squeeze from the bottom
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My daughter and her friend Poppy were playing hide and seek and Poppy wanted to hide in the chest freezer but I told her that’s where we keep the dead bodies and now poppy’s no longer allowed over to play which suits me fine because Poppy’s a humourless snitch
*warming hands near fire* In my day, we were tough. It would take you so long to get undressed after coming indoors that it was time to go out again. People lost hours, days. Some died mid-layer.
They just called for “Jennifer” three times in the waiting room, and I have anxiety so there was a second where I wondered if my name was actually Jennifer
evidently it’s ‘not appropriate’ to call the embassy when the grocery store is out of brazil nuts
I don’t mean to brag but most people double lock their door after I leave
“I smell carrots. Do you smell carrots? ’cause I smell carrots…”
~ Snowmen.
Please, call me Seahorse. Mr. Seahorse was my mother.
After 9 months and 347 pics of you being pregnant you REALLY only need to post one pic of the baby as proof.
We believe you.
IF YOU CHOOSE NOT TO DECIDE, YOU STILL HAVE MADE A CHOICE is something I like to shout at people who hold up the line at Taco Bell.
My wife when I’ve lost something: It’s on the right hand side of your nightstand next to your Kleenex
Me when my wife has lost something: I ‘unno…did you look in the freezer?
20s: Sure, I’ll take the floor.
30s: The floor? No. But I’ll sleep on the couch.
40s: What thread count are your sheets?
BEARD PROGRESSION:
1. Clean shaven babyface.
2. Cool stubble.
3. Rugged.
4. Homeless man.
5. Psycho killer.
6. Religious nutjob.
7. Wizard.
I forgot the word “turkey”so I asked the butcher for 20 pounds of oversized angry bird gobble gobble meat.
DMV: Please make an appointment for faster service.
Also DMV: Your appointment means nothing. Sit & wait, peasant.
I steal babies, run 20 feet, turn around and hand them back to their mothers and say “Just jokin!”
The hardest part of working out at home is seeing how much dust there is under my furniture.
The people who choose the “healthier option” at McDonald’s get a bad wrap.
I know a guy who doesn’t love Raymond.
Overheard at the mall: “It’s 70% off plus another 30% off… that’s 100% off!”
It doesn’t take long after becoming a parent to figure out why the people that wrote nursery rhymes sounded like they were drunk.
My 5 year old asked for a lava lamp and now I’m checking his room for drugs
CDC wants to be clear that only weddings should be canceled due to Covid-19, but if you’re already married then that’s still going on.
I had my house renamed “Moderation” and now I can pretty much do whatever I want in here.
i kicked the back of her seat ONE time
My kid is refusing to go to bed until 10, so to pass the time he’s going to lie down in bed and wait…until 10
Me: I snuck in my own candy and a drink
Her: This is a funeral home
Me: Without a snack bar
Normalize saying “Yummy in my tummy” when the server asks about your meal.
“I made myself feel better about my husband being a giant, irresponsible, adult child by imagining what it would be like if he were dead” is a weird flex but ok.
A wise man once said… absolutely nothing.
He let her vent and then they had sex afterward.
1) Put on chicken costume
2) Go to store to pick up eggs
3) Run up to store manager and emotionally scream “WHO DID THIS TO MY CHILDREN????”