5 told me she was really sad but didn’t want to say why so I said if she talks about it, it might make her feel better and she said “I’m sad because there’s no caramel cheese” and now we’re both sad
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This is the tale of Callie who started a service to provide fortune telling and hypnotism while driving people around. As time went on her clairvoyance weakened but her suggestive power grew.
She’s…..
Uber Callie fragile mystic expert at hypnosis
Working at a cheap mall store as a teen: “You may only carry a small clear bag that will be checked by security daily.”
Working at a bank: “Cool duffle bag!”
*runs out of toilet paper*
“Good bye, infinity scarf”
[ bad kitty ]
me: cut it out
cat: ?
me: stop it
cat: ?
me: knock it off
cat: now we’re talking
BABY BOSS: we need to talk about your work ethic
ME: *covers face with hands*
BABY BOSS: oh guess he’s out for lunch. I’ll talk to him later
Me [doing a lovely soft shoe routine and nailing it]
Brother: Are you serious? This is my sentencing hearing
Judge [teary]: Just wonderful
(day 2 of adulthood) well I gave it a shot
– How much for the mobile tampon?
– Ma’am?
– It’s a bit big.
– Ma’am, it’s a lamb.
– Does it make that sound because it has detected blood?
(sees a hot guy at the bar)
me: hey dude. why don’t you take off that big coat? you’re sweating everywhere
It would be easier if they just reported which parts of the globe aren’t on fire and don’t have hurricanes.
I haven’t been laid in so long that the Pope is laughing at me.
It was the best of times.
It was the worst of times.
It had mixed feelings about the times.
Confuse your doctor by putting on rubber gloves at the same time he does.
My 5yo “cleaned” the house today… she started in the bathroom, with the toilet, and then proceeded to wipe down every inch of the house, including doorknobs, with the same towel.
If that’s not the best analogy for quarantine with kids, I don’t know what is.
Fly me to the ouch
Let me play among the ouch
Let me see what ouch is ouch
On ouch ouch ouch ouch ouch.– Frank Piñata
If Home Depot doesn’t want me doing body rolls in the lumber aisle then they shouldn’t be playing Gloria Estefan.
Any salad can be a Caesar salad if you stab it enough
box: meow
schrodinger: ignore that
Please don’t call it man flu. Its correct name is manchester flunited.
me: well, they sell flower arrangements at the grocery store
florist: I understand your point, we just don’t carry peanut butter
[Adam and Eve in bed]
Adam, am I really the only girl for you?GOD EVE, YOU’RE LITERALLY THE ONLY GIRL ON THE FACE OF THE EARTH
I’m ready for a new relationship.
My past is buried in the backyard, to fertilize the tomatoes.
Person: Why are you in a wheelchair?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I asked too many questions.
One day, perhaps, I will manage to send myself an email without thinking “ooh who’s this?!” when it arrives three seconds later.
if anyone starts quoting the bible to you, a funny thing to yell is “NO SPOILERS I HAVEN’T READ IT YET”
My therapist insisted i try something new each week…
…so i haven’t paid her
Now we wait…
The reason I can’t bake is the excessive effort to take out and put back all the pots and pans stored inside the oven
I can’t wait to sleep in
My bladder: lmao
After what happened to Lance Armstrong I’m kinda worried they are gonna come after my bowling trophies
Wait…. she had the Royal baby, walked out and showed it to everyone, then went home?! I had fast food yesterday and couldn’t leave the couch.