COMPUTER: HINT: name of best friend
ME: Jen
C: Jen sounds nice
M: Wh-what?
C: Is Jen single?
M: Uh…
C: Answer the question. Is Jen single?
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My forgiveness comes with the price of never forgetting.
A judge in Oklahoma City wed a couple and then sentenced the groom to prison. That sounds redundant to me.
Making milkshakes because I need help with my yard work.
Baby, it takes two to tango
But only one to tequila.
Hell hath no fury like me when I’m ranting and someone interrupts me with rationale.
I left her for one minute to use the bathroom. One minute.
Not one person is cooler than the pigeon that just walked all the way into this Mexican restaurant, gently picked up a taco chip, and left.
Golf would be better with landmines.
walmart: why do u want to work here?
me: it’s easier to steal if the employees trust me
walmart: why would u tell us that
me: *slowly taking their pen* to build trust
SENATOR: “Would you agree that it’s bad for Facebook to steal users’ blood and use it to create a clone army?”
ZUCK: “That’s an interesting question that I’ll have to discuss further with our team. Did you know I started this company in my dorm room?”
My favorite part of the date is when I tell her that I want her to have my kids. And then I give them to her, all 3 of them.
Please stop bullying people into watching TV shows where you just have to make it through the first 3 seasons before it starts getting good.
I like the murder hornets. So sick of all the negativity.
(home depot)
frosty: so…i hear this is where I can find a snowblower
There are two kinds of people in this world, people that know things and people who don’t know how to use Google.
“This custard-filled donut will be bought… by a murderer!”
-The Eclairvoyant
Granmas leave the plastic fruit display with your bite marks on it to remind you of what you did 35 years ago
My daughter said she wants to run away. We talked. She knows she can walk. I wont chase her.
I threw a boomerang yesterday and it didn’t come back. How long do you reckon before it’s safe to turn around?
No officer,YOU`RE going the wrong way.
“do you know the best way to get rid of a wasp nest?”
no, try using your phone
[throws phone and hits wasp nest]
*running* I meant google it
ME: can I buy u a drink
HER: I’ll take a rain check
ME: mmm that sounds good [to bartender] 2 rain checks, please
“Let’s see what you’re made of!” he says on approach, knife in hand.
“Good.” I mutter. “Another adversary who paid no attention in Biology.”
“If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my Sven.” -Kristoff
sheep: hey give me my jeans back
wolf: no I need them for this idiom
Me: You sound like a broken record.
12:
Me: *sigh* You sound like a corrupted digital audio file.
12: Oh. Gotcha. Thanks for translating from ancient Sumerian to English.
If you’re stuck in the wild, rub two mozzarella sticks together to start a pizza.
I got hot wax at the car wash and now the vehicle is hairless.
I named my two kids Madness and Sparta, and boy do I love introducing them to people
why was 6 mad when 7 won her a stuffed elephant? because 7 1 1 4 9 2