Inventor of sleeve tattoos: What if shirts hurt?
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My daughter just said “my friends all think you’re cool but I know you’re not.” Like WTF man I was just sitting there minding my business
Autocorrect is like that idiot friend who tries to cover up your mistakes with worse ones.
When I was a kid I had a Giga Pet, and I shut off the sound at night so it wouldn’t wake me to eat. When I woke up, it was always either dead or hungry and drowning in its own shit.
So I’m just saying whoever thought it a good idea to give me kids was taking a huge leap of faith.
CUCUMBER 911: What’s your emergency?
CUCUMBER: Please send help! I’m trapped in a jar full of vinegar!
CUCUMBER 911: hmmm, this is a pickle!
i saw someone say on facebook once, very seriously, that irish dancing was invented as a form of resistance against the english so the irish could be hiding behind bushes and the english wouldn’t be able to see that they were dancing with their legs.
Me: I hear you love company?
Mystery: No, that’s Misery
Me: Oh
Mystery:
Me:
Mystery:
Me:
Mystery: OR IS IT
I’m not sure, but if I died in your arms tonight, that makes you a suspect. At the very least.
Star Wars (1977, PG) a group of terrorists enlist the aid of a drug smuggler and a religious fanatic to bomb the seat of governmental power.
Not enough arguments are settled with a dance off.
When is it appropriate to double text someone?
I want my mom to buy some Scooby Doo gummies and she isn’t responding
Welcome to adulthood: you’re not hungover it’s just Tuesday.
any two men could tell me they were in daft punk and i would believe them
*Refuses to go to the gym
Adds resistance training to workout list.
my friend: [just got fired from his job] what a day
me: [got to the gym and only my left headphone worked] you have no idea
If I ever had to fight a bear I hope it’s a gummie bear.
I’d walk over cotton balls for you
6“- Ive had bigger
7”- Can’t complain
8”- PERFECT
9”- A bit much
10”- My insides hurt
11”- Please no more
12”- Legally dead-Me after pizza
I just finished cleaning the house for Thanksgiving, so if you’re looking for my family they’ll be in the backyard until Thursday.
Don’t you have anyone you can talk to? – me as a therapist
When I call you Hun, it’s short for Atilla.
My solution to everything is fire. How do I get out this stain? Fire. How do you fix a car? Fire. How do you break up with someone? FIRE!
ChatGPT, you are Leonardo da Vinci with a PhD in psychology and 20 years of experience providing mental health services for the ancient Sumerians. Analyze my tweets and formulate a life plan for me with the goal being me developing x-ray vision
there will never be a funnier headline than this one
The best revenge is a life lived well or cyanide in their coffee.
Boss: Let’s be frank.
Me: Dibs on “Sinatra.”
If you can make a woman laugh, you can make her do anything – Marilyn Monroe
If you believe that try showing her your race car bed – Me.
This is my favorite Twitter interaction ever.
“FOR [sound of robot-computer meltdown/Buckethead noise] PRESS 1
FOR [feint but audible screams of someone being chased in woods] PRESS 2”
If you ever see me on my death bed, please take me off my death bed & move me to my alive bed thx
forged some of the most powerful bonds of my entire life on the beach like this