Aging gracefully is like getting steamrolled gracefully, you should really be screaming
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[sees my dentist in the store]
*really loud fake phone call voice*
me: ya I’m just picking up some floss cause I ran out probably because I floss every day idk
Apparently I’m not giving my toddler enough food because she’s trying to eat our fridge magnets
Toothpaste sure knows how to ruin whatever you’re drinking.
Making fun of someone’s age is like mocking them for getting hit by a train because you’re standing a little further down the tracks.
Terribly Tuesday.
The cashier told me to have a good holiday like my purchase of oven cleaner, cat treats, and hummus suggests anything else.
You don’t know what you’ve got
until it’s gone.( *Runs out of toilet paper* )
My daughter just called it the “Heimlich Remover” and I’m choking with laughter.
Don’t you hate it when some idiots won’t even go 5 mph over the speed limit in the left lane but then when you try to pass them all of a sudden they want to go 127 mph into the sun
You get: 1 hour of extra sleep
You lose: the will to live after the sunsets at 4pm
She said she liked a man with a mouth on him and I admitted that I too like someone with all their face parts.
*Spends 30 min practicing Starbucks order in mirror*
*Feels confident*
*”Hi I’d like a grander ahoy Ralph Macchioatto lateenbay”*
*dammit*
work smarter, not harder
What jugglers do best
1. Juggle
2. Make people who can’t juggle feel bad for not being able to juggle
Of course I believe you are God’s gift to women.
He gave us periods and painful childbirth. Why not you too?
my bf is on a plane to miami right now and a bulldog in the row next to him just had diarrhea. everyone freaked out, the dog owner began sobbing, and the dog escaped. now, covered in poo, it is running around the plane. people are lifting up their legs and screaming.
Fun Prank: put a live turtle and a tiny pair of nunchucks in your toilet before your guests arrive
I looked out the window to enjoy the beautiful view of our mountains. I then looked over to the left toward the end of our driveway and I see my 10 yo and 8 yo. They were twerking whenever cars came by.
We have to move now.
Jesus must’ve had a fortune if he paid for all my sins
Some parents sing the Clean Up song, but I just yell “I’m getting garbage bags you better hope you can pick up your toys faster than I can!”
r/relationships
I (36m) met my girlfriend (32f) at the exact moment after i sucked helium from a balloon to do a funny voice for a buddy. now weve been together 8 months & Im constantly having to suck helium from balloons when shes not looking because she thinks that’s my voice
I like my men how I like my cheesecake, rich and straight to my behind.
🎶we are never ever ever getting back together
– a pair of my socks saying an emotional goodbye to each other in the washing machine
My dryer is celebrating lint.
Adoption agency: so did you have any specific ideas of who you want to adopt? Age? Gender?
Dave Seville: do you have three anthropomorphic chipmunks?
Hockey: because running on knives makes sense.
I think playing Zelda gave me unrealistic expectations of how much of my neighbors’ pottery I can smash
Me watching my husband quietly close the dishwasher after taking just one clean dish out
I have a head cold but I’m telling everyone it’s covid so they’ll social distance away from me.
Computer: Password can’t be any previously used password
Me: (Uses old password and adds an exclamation point at the end)