Me: I lost 13 pounds.
Also Me: I’m going to celebrate with cake!
You Might Also Like
My 5yo: Mommy what are shark cooties.
Me: …. What?
5: Ava said shark cooties are her favorite snack.
Me: …..
Me: CHARCUTERIE. She likes charcuterie.
I think marriage should be between a robot and a spider horse because I’m a retarded man child and this is what I bring to the conversation.
I looked at bright side once and it gave me the finger.
if i finally fell asleep and a ghost woke me up to show me my past, i’d kill them again
The only thing that can stop a bad guy with a hot glue gun is a good guy with a hot glue gun.
*genie appears*
I wish I was rich!
GRANTED! YOU USED TO BE RICH
ok!—wait what?
FOR YOUR SECOND WISH, CONSIDER HAVING PAID ATTENTION IN CLASS
I just ran into my friend Sue. She introduced me to her second husband. I said “I wouldn’t have picked him first either.”
“I didn’t go to grad school to assemble agenda folios for the quarterly board meeting” I think as I drizzle Dawn into the CEO’s coffee pot.
I hate it when I’m at work and someone asks “are you at free at the moment?”. Please expand further so I can know if I’m free or not.
No thanks, babies. If I’m going to let something inside of my body that’s going to destroy my figure, it’ll be cheese, bread and booze.
Pulling out of the driveway for a two-hour car ride to visit family.
My 5yo from the backseat: “Don’t turn the radio on, Mama. I brought my harmonica so I can play you music.”
At my local supermarket, a clerk told me that their fresh shipment of toilet paper sold out in 15 minutes. People preparing for the shitpocalypse.
I know Taco Bell doesn’t have “I hate myself” sauce yet. But they should. They should.
I’m the hottest thing these people at the cataract surgery center have ever seen.
If you find a stylist who can cut hair without talking, never let them go
*gets bitten by radioactive shark
*the remaining half does not gain super powers
Thoughts & prayers for my son who thought his phone was charging overnight only to find he must go to school on 6%.
[about to have sex]
her: put on this blindfold
me: I think a condom would be safer
[a person I want to be friends with so bad offers me a cigarette]
Me: oh I love these!
Them: *goes to light it for me*
Me: *already eating it*
Groot is a tree but he doesn’t have roots. They should just call him G.
My cat and I made a best friend pact tonight. If I die first, he won’t eat my body. Or if he dies first, I won’t use his skull as a cup.
ME: Doctor, doctor. I think I’m a pair of curtains.
DOC: Pull yourself together!
*both laughing*
DOC: But seriously, I’m gonna refer you to a therapist cos that shit ain’t right.
Waitress: need anything else?
Me: yes, a cup of black coffee.
W: and how would u like your coffee?
M: uhhh..black and in a cup?
I read an entire book on my 5 hour flight because I decided not to pay for wifi and now I’m wondering what diseases I could cure if I just gave up on the internet entirely
I’ve been barred from the local Mexican restaurant for repeatedly bringing and summoning my waiter with my personal maracas
Me: You’re old and out of shape and way past your prime, but you are nice.
Mirror: Yes, you do seem nice.
It should be a rule that if you’re going to put you kid on a leash, you can’t be mad if someone walks up, asks if they bite, and pets them
Meteorologist: FINALLY getting some cooler weather around here!
Me: Phew just in time for me to move my stepson to college on Monday.
Meteorologist: Except for Monday which will be 187 degrees.
People saying I should stand up for myself have never sat in this bean bag chair.