Him: *whispering* you still awake
Me: *exhales loudly through harmonica*
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Shoutout to headline writers, making their own fun.
If Wonder Woman and Spider-Man go into business together, they should call it Amazon Web Services.
Boss: I need that report by noon
Me: Consider it done[2pm]
Boss: Where’s that report?
Me: Huh? I thought we’d agreed to consider it done?
Angry church people on Good Friday are Fast and Furious
“I just called to say I love you.”
-Stevie Wonder not understanding how prank calls work
Husband: *opens jar of salsa*
Me: That looks like my period
Me: pretty much any name can be unisex
My son Stephanie: I hate you dad
When wood plank seating is finally abolished, it’s over for you benches
DATE: gonna grab my jacket and brb. you look great by the way
ME (whispering to my suit made of chameleons): hell yeah keep it up you guys
Responding to someone putting on their jacket, picking up their bag, turning towards the door and walking away by asking “you off?”
Wife: “I’m sick and tired of your walkie-talkie obsession. This marriage is over.”
Me: “You broke up there. This marriage is what? Over.”
Shhhh, I am tracking a package so I need you to remain very quiet so you don’t scare it away
I’ve just been wearing a towel for 5 days so everyone thinks I showered.
My first wife and I split on good terms. I know this because, when I announce the split on FB, she was the first to click LIKE.
“How do you talk to an angel”
Me: I don’t know, Skype I guess?
“How do you hold her close to where you are”
Me: Aren’t most angels men?
If I get on an empty elevator and I see a group of people coming, I will hit the close door button 27 times in 3 seconds.
Bird: *flies into my office window*
Me: yeah, same.
Still haven’t given up on the dream of finding a suitcase full of money on the side of the road.
ME: I’ve eaten a lot of spicy food
GF: If u eat too much of it, u lose your sense of taste
ME [watching Adam Sandler] haha he is so funny
I can always tell how stressful my day was by how far apart I’ve kicked my heels when I got home. Today one heel lies in the corner of the living room while I believe the other one is currently orbiting Mars.
Sometimes I worry that my son’s childhood is too happy and he won’t be funny when he’s older.
“Release the Kraken!”
…
“Well?”
“We released him. He just took off. It’s not like he was trained or anything.”
…
“Release the tuna!”
Have a nice weekend
YOU have a nice weekend
No YOU have a nice weekend
*gets in coworker’s face*
I WANT YOU TO HAVE A BETTER WEEKEND THAN ME
I will punch you in the face.
OK not really – but I will roll my eyes at you, hard.
My 12 year old saw one tick at this cabin and now he’s requesting an airborne tactical extraction.
“Have you tried divorcing and restarting your marriage?”
– IT Department as marriage counselors
Child: What’s it called when they stick a spike up your nose and scramble your brain?
Me: A lobotomy?
Child: YES.
Me: Why?
Child: No reason.
Me:
Child:
Me: [wide awake all night]
How do I know you’re not a cop?
“If I was a cop, how would I have this?”
*shows police badge that just says ‘Not a Cop’ on it*
Oh, okay good
Everybody always says say “No!” to drugs, but I’m thinking that if you’re talking to drugs, it’s too late
Me: *buying leggings* I need these for my marathon!
Cashier: Wow really? That’s awesome!
Me: Yeah it’s 9 seasons long and 201 episodes in total