My 5yo has come up with bedtime topics such as how elephants give birth, how the sun produces heat, and natural disasters.
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If you wanna go and take a ride with me with three women in the floor with the goat cheese.
Me: Oh my god, that cat is adorable! She’s the cutest kitty I’ve ever seen!
Cat: I just want to be friends.
New relationship be like, “what you doing?” ….”just drinking water”…”ok darling plz be careful”
None of my boyfriends even know they’re dating me.
I can’t be a sellout. I have no idea what anyone wants.
Who even thought of soup? Were they like, you know what this perfectly good meal needs? Water.
At this month’s meeting of The Corporate Billionaires of America club, we will be discussing cutting-edge ideas such as, “should we be charging an extra fee to slice the pizza.”
what if i pushed you against the wall and told you 15 minutes could save you 15 percent or more with Geico.
Reason to wake up early in the day:
THE EARLY BIRD GETS THE WORMReason to wake up later in the day:
THE EARLY WORM GETS EATEN
If my husband asks, we took a lit course together in college
In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.
I’m pretty anal when it comes to organizing my house.
Like how I slid in “anal”?
Like how I said “slid in anal”?
My favorite genre of meme is people unknowingly kidnapping coyotes
God: I’ve always regretted not making you the dominant species
Man: But you did—
Dog: She was talking to me
[high seas]
FIRST MATE: The men be ready to attack
PIRATE: Arr!
FIRST MATE: Oh sorry…the men “are” ready to attack
OPEN YOUR EYES, PEOPLE!!
AND LET ME TOUCH YOUR EYEBALL!!!
WHETHER OR NOT I’M AN EYE DOCTOR IS **IRRELEVANT**
who sleeps with a chair next to their bed that’s like asking for a dead family member to wake you up at 3am asking what you’re doing with your life
My call has been first in line for nine minutes; I won’t be surprised if the next available representative tells me I have to call a different number.
My youngest is like a dog
She can spot a bad personality from a mile away and she also may bite you
Give a toddler a crayon and he will eat that crayon. Teach him how to color and he will eat more crayons.
[flops on the ground like a fish whenever I have to make a decision]
[sees old lady drop $20]
Devil on Shoulder: Grab her cash!
Devil on other Shoulder: And push her over!
Sorry boss, I set my alarm for 7PM instead of 7AM and that’s why I haven’t been at work in six years.
“Plumber kept hitting things with his head, attempted to climb INTO drain, took my coin collection, killed my pet turtle.
0/10 stars, would not recommend.”
– Super Mario Bros. Online review
[in bed, 6 AM]
Me: Good morning.
Wife: mmmph
Me: Happy Easter.
Wife: mmhmm
Me: Guess who else is also Risen this morn-
Wife: GO AWAY
Me: I’m terrified of aging rock bands
Therapist: You too?
Me: [screams]
On your first day in prison, walk right up to the nicest guy in there and break his heart.
1.25pm: Do you love me more than football?
4.25pm: Yes, of course.