I switched all the labels on my wife’s spice rack.
I’m not in trouble yet, but the thyme is cumin.
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My first day in hell I accidentally bump into the meteor that killed the dinosaurs in the cafeteria. Everyone gasps. Satan drops his fork.
The rules of the universe clearly state – to find the cup of coffee you were drinking, you must first pour yourself a new cup of coffee.
A good friend loves you and supports you, but a really good friend will hand you a block of cheese and then respectfully look away
I just cross-bred a crocodile and a homing pigeon. I expect that’ll come back to bite me.
coworker: my favourite are samosas. what about you?
me lying about having tried Indian food: I mean how do you argue against samosas
From now on I’m gonna tell guests that I made my house especially messy, just for their visit, it was hard but I got it done
I’m serious. You’re the worst species I ever created, and I made 3,500 different cockroaches.
When coining nicknames, be sure it reflects how that person has impacted your life. For example, my two sons Buzzkill and Third Mortgage.
send me a picture of a beloved item in your home
please include your address if the item is expensive and easy to carry
“You killed a dude
I hate your attitude
That’s why you’re going to jail,
Without bail
25 to life
Bubba is your new wife.”-Poetic Justice
12yo daughter: *SCREAMS*
Me: WHAT?!12yo: A spider!
Me: It’s just a spider12yo: I don’t want it to bite me!
Me: You’ll never be a super hero w/that attitude
[first date]
HER: So, do you have any hobbies?
ME: No, not really.
SOCK PUPPET: You’re not going to tell her about us?
EDWARD SCISSOR HANDS: I’m gonna kill you
EDWARD ROCK HANDS: not so fast
EDWARD PAPER HANDS: Looks like we’ve got a real Mexican stand-off
I will give Canada this. Their geese are hard to keep in a headlock.
I can turn wine into a one night stand.
Your move Jesus.
[job interview]
“So where do you see yourself in 5 years?”
Getting asked this question somewhere else
“Is that old Chinese food in the trash? There’s Q-tips in there too? AND a bag of my poop? This is gonna be so good!”
–dogs
Whenever my husband “puts something away” I’m always suspect. I mean, it’s not as if he really knows where anything goes.
Walked by a restaurant where they were using iPads for menus. How cheap are iPads now? More importantly, how expensive are menus?
[being dragged off the plane]
Wait! Those are my 30-50 service hogs!
If you mean sleeping, then yes, I’m pretty freakin’ amazing in bed.
Memories are a bit fuzzy — but regrets? They’re in 8K and Dolby Vision.
titanic
Telling my daugthers date that “she has lice and its very contagious the closer you get to her.”
*Correct way to parent.
Her: Look at my new shoes! They light up when I walk away…
Me: Doesn’t everyone?
What I say:
Get dressed
Brush teeth
Get in the carWhat my kids hear:
Have a snack
Shriek like monkeys
Open 3 umbrellas indoors
Go poop
I’m so hungry I could Instagram a horse.
My son just handed me a note with 9 numbers on it and asked me to call his friend. I told him a phone number is 10 digits so this will not work.
Him: Ok, just add a 4 somewhere.
Wow, what a moving acceptance speech from John Lithgow:
Your metabolism after age 40 is like, “Nah, I like you fat.”