I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if the object it moved around was the vacuum.
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me sober: i’m very shy and don’t like talking to people
me drunk: umm ok? these are my friends sue and dave, an older couple from england who are visiting nyc and don’t like hot dogs but are otherwise delightful
Seal it so to open it, you’ll need just enough force that the contents will explode all over the place.
~inventor of cereal bags probably
Ethan isn’t playing around this semester
[Last supper]
Jesus: Same time next week guys?
*they all nod*
Judas: I’ll book a table for 12
Jesus: you mean 13
Judas: yeah..13, I meant 13
*hot girl puts a cherry stem in her mouth*
*twists it around with her tongue*
*pulls it out*
*it spells “I LIKE YOU AS A FRIEND”*
In the seconds before I die, I hope I’m allowed to correct someone’s grammar.
Me: [puts dog food into dish]
My dog: eh I’m not hungry
[1 minute later]
Me: [opens package of cheese]
My dog: oh great I’m STARVING
They should put barf bags in all the voting booths this year.
INSURANCE REP: I’m afraid you’re going to need more coverage
ME: sorry I couldn’t find my pants this morning
“We’re not so different, you and I,” Mitt Romney said to a stack of white printer paper.
Take me down to the paradise city where the salmon are jumping and the tubes are fishy
waiter: what’ll it be?
cow: grass
horse: grass
sheep: grass
pig: *straightening his bowtie* a truffle
Until I open the wrapper & look inside it’s Schrödinger’s Kit Kat.
I appreciate it when someone tells me to just “get over it” when I’m depressed. It gives me a chance to exercise my grave digging skills.
If you turn your head back and forth really fast you can see your ears.
I wish I had the confidence of my mom explaining Instagram to her friend 5 minutes after I told her what Instagram was.
Cleaning a house with children in it is like shoveling snow on the North Pole.
animals really be single moms of 6-8 just holding it down daily like girl what
How many dates should you wait before you tell a girl that you’re just a barn owl
Worlds greatest photobomb
Siri do my hangover for me tomorrow morning.
Squirrels are just hobos with fancy fur coats.
Lost fighter jets are always in the last place you look.
Child: I need to be dismissed from school, my stomach hurts.
Also child, after being dismissed: [orders himself DoorDash from McDonald’s at 8 PM]
Both hands Mommy!
-my 4yo the backseat driver.
Well, time to go to bed & remember that I started and abandoned a huge organizing project that involved putting a bunch of stuff on the bed.
Every time I talk about milk, I clarify “not breastmilk.” It’s unnecessary and it makes people uncomfortable.
Pool party at my house… BYOP (Bring Your Own Pool)…
Wife: Do the dishes
Me: Can’t. Holding the baby
Wife: Take out the trash
Me: Can’t. Baby
Wife: Change the baby
Me: Can’t. Doing dishes.
If only the workout your thumbs get from scrolling on your phone would go to your abs.