Putin takes over entire world while everybody searches for the missing plane.
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The tooth fairy left an ominous note about coming back for the rest of my teeth.
If I ever suddenly drop dead during a covert McDonald’s lunch visit, my wife gonna be so pissed when she finds that untouched cucumber and hummus sandwich in my backpack.
[doesn’t moisturize for three nights in a row]
Welp, I guess I’m ready for Halloween now.
My new dry-erase whiteboard can be
summed up in one word : “remarkable”
{at the dentist}
Hygienist: Let’s just have a look
Me, panicking: I’m so sorry! I used all my dental floss to lace my shoes.
Hygienist: Last time you said you were abducted by aliens who wouldn’t let you floss.
Hiring Manager: Your resume is impressive but what experience do you have in the field?
Me: Frolicking, stopping to smell the roses- typical field stuff sir
“Eww” can be a term of endearment, right?
*sees cute baby*
Everyone: omg I want oneMy ovaries, taking a drag of a cigarette: ya’ll hear something?
I’m sitting next to a beautiful woman at a bar so now it’s only a matter of time before nothing happens.
Practicing safe sax
1. Say “Eye” 2. Spell the word “Map” 3. Say “Ness”
Today is the three year anniversary of the time I dropped a hot dog and it got stepped on before I could retrieve it. Don’t talk to me about your suffering
I was thinking of becoming self employed but due to cutbacks I can’t afford to hire me right now.
I just danced in front of my cat and he yawned.
True story.
If I were a cop, I’d focus on the people going the speed limit. They’re the ones with something to hide.
Just once, I’d like to sleep as deeply as a cartoon sheriff whose keys are dangling seductively from his belt.
Me: I want you inside of me.
Him: Wow.
Me: That would be a scary thing to hear if I was a bear, huh?
Him: Why are you like this?
In response to McDonald’s pay with hugs campaign, Nationwide will allow you to pay for insurance with DEATH.
I always roll out of bed. Not even morning can trick me into doing a sit-up
I don’t understand what someone gets out of arguing with a complete stranger.
Fight with your family like the rest of us.
getting a cast iron skillet so i can still not do my dishes, but now people will think i’m classy
I’m like Pooh bear. I just want to eat, hang with my homies, and go around pantsless
YOU THINK CONDOMS ARE STUPID???
My 2yr old just cried for 45 minutes because the TV in our car isn’t as big as the TV in our house…
Women. Can’t live with em, can’t live without titties.
Marriage counselor: and the puns?
Wife: he hasn’t made one in weeks. I think we’re going to make it
Me: *walking in with food glued on me* sorry I’m plate
6: I hate corona virus!
Me: When it’s over you’ll have to wake up early to get to school on time.
6: I DON’T WANT IT TO BE OVER!
I don’t date men unless they have tentacles. It’s called having standards.
Friend: check out my conscience shell
Me: you mean conch? *holds up to ear*
Shell: you saw those kids get in that van and you did nothing
I bought a new elliptical so that the treadmill wouldn’t be lonely in the dark basement.
Everyone giving me crap about wearing these yoga leggings to work…just because I don’t do yoga.