[puts hand on wife’s stomach as baby kicks]
Come out here & try that.
You Might Also Like
THEM: “Pineapple should never be on pizza! It’s a fruit!”
ME: [taking a long drag on my cigarette] “Well, I have some bad news for you about where tomato sauce comes from, kid.”
Here, let me loosen those morals for you.
Me: I just need some time alone, please.
*closes door*– Ma’am, if you’re not trying on clothes, we’ll need you to leave the dressing room.
*incoming text*
“hey bud can I crash at ur place”
Sure come on over
*sound of approaching airplane*
i’m a man written by a woman but that woman has something very, very wrong with her
I’m stranded on a dessert island. Do not send help.
God: you’re a giraffe.
Giraffe: why is my neck so long?
God: it’s the only way you could reach the top of the trees.
Giraffe: that makes perfect sense!
[monkey climbs a nearby tree]
Giraffe:
God: you weren’t supposed to see that.
Capricorn is just regular corn wearing cute little short pants.
You say “save the date”, I hear “more time to come up with an excuse of why I’m not going.”
“Is this your resume?”
Yes
“It just says you used to leave shit at your friends’ doors, ring the bell & run away?”
Yes
“Welcome to UPS!”
People used to be much smaller. WWII people were a foot shorter. Medieval people were basically hobbits. Jesus was the size of a cat.
How am I supposed to give a review for dog treats? I mean, my dog loves them. They’re just ok to me. A little chewy
Just saw an advance screening of Age of Ultron. Spoiler alert: he’s 47
I only eat chips because I feel that people would judge me if I ate the dip with a spoon
Walk up in the club like “THIS IS MY JAM” handing out small jars of my homemade raspberry preserves
Of course being a child is terrible .. They don’t give you any money and then make you watch commercials the whole time
your quarterback name is your grandfather’s first name and the last thing you did mine’s Dom Paintwall. ok you go
the girl i’m seeing is absolutely dune-pilled after i got her to watch part 1 the other night. i told her i have commitment issues and she said “fear is the mind killer.” what have i done
Have you ever woken up from a nap to find everyone at Chili’s staring at you?
Trump getting elected after Obama was not what they meant by Orange is the New Black
Parenting is much harder nowadays. For example, you have to be able to push a kid on a swing and tweet at the same time.
Cinderella is the creepiest fairytale when you start to contemplate what kind of craziness she has going on with her feet that her shoes won’t fit even one single other person in the entire kingdom.
Bear boss: I need to see you two in my office right away.
*I see my coworker is nervous*
Me: Relax, how bad can it be.
Salmon: Shut. Up.
When I wear cargo shorts and I need to find my phone I suddenly transform into a baseball coach giving play signals.
“Maybe she’s born with it, but most likely she botched it at home” should be my slogan when I color my own hair.
If my kids ask, the ice cream container was only half full when I bought it
me doing my best
Simple
People always act really shocked when I tell them that I don’t like chocolate. Even moreso when I say I don’t like dogs. But I don’t know man, I just don’t think either tastes very good.