As confused as an atheist who’s stuck behind a car that isn’t moving at a green light & has a bumper sticker that says ‘Honk if you love God
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My dentist can do it all, from a simple cleaning to identifying my charred remains
[hands mom flowers on Mother’s day]
thanks for a life of sacrifice, these cost me twenty bucks
Today in my classroom
Me: I almost didn’t come in to work today
Student: oh, where do you work?
me: [being abducted by aliens] i’m not going without my cat
my cat: [from inside spaceship] get in, loser. all cats are aliens
me: i knew it
I hope when I inevitably choke to death on gummy bears people just say I was killed by bears and leave it at that.
I don’t let my husband pick up the groceries right now because I’m worried he’ll taste freedom and never come back.
Today on twitter: Men not understanding hair parts.
My original account got suspended for aggressive behavior and they haven’t even seen me in bed yet.
My spouse wonders why I have a hard time visiting his parents for the whole weekend but it probably has a lot to do with the fact that I have to put a bra on before coffee
Buying a smart car seems like a good idea until you hit a squirrel and flip over a few times.
Roses are red,
Bumble bees buzz,
This rhyme doesn’t rhyme,
No, wait, yes it does.
Friend: Aren’t those jeans a little young for you?
Me: I’m sorry I can’t quite hear you. Come closer. Don’t be scared.
and on the 8th day, god created a website for u to meet the hot christian singles in ur area
Hey baby, do you like tan lines? Because I fell asleep with a badminton racquet on my face again and
Now that I’m in my 30s, I have to worry about both my kids and my parents saying something embarrassing in public.
*in court*
judge [belches]: pardon
me: thank you!
Donald Trump said he thinks we made the right decision to leave the EU. This confirms that we absolutely did not make the right decision.
Sorry I said, “Whoa, hope he’s good at math.” when you showed me your kid’s finger painting.
[carrot slice falls on the floor]
Ah well I guess it’s in the trash with you[potato chip falls on the floor]
YOU THOUGHT YOU COULD ESCAPE.
A rap song where I’m just telling my dog about my day & I keep rhyming with “treats” so he stays interested.
this will hang in the louvre one day
WATER POLO INSTRUCTOR: “Are you sure you know what you’re doing?”
ME: [Adjusting the mask & snorkel on my horse] “Of course I do.”
Mugger: Put all your cash in this bag.
Me, caught up in a MLM scheme: What if I told you that instead of money I have the power to be my own boss?
Mugger: Oh wow you really have nothing.
Me: Come and rob me in like four weeks I swear I’ll have so much money
i am:
⚪️ a man
⚪️ a woman
🔘 living in the year 2021looking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a way out
I blame our unhappy marriage on my wife mostly because of her poor choice in men.
me: 7’s favorite toy eats batteries like crazy
husband: *laughs* that’s funny, yours does too-
me:
husband: I’ll go get more batteries
Do people who get meal kits shipped to their home know they can have restaurants deliver food that’s already cooked?
Them: I’ve got athlete’s foot
Cop: wh-where’s the rest of the body
Me: Your shoes are on the wrong feet.
4yo: ..
Me: ..
4yo: ..
Me: ..
4yo: I don’t have any other feet..
Me: Fair enough.
Found a new worse version of saying “thanks, you too” to the hoyts worker who says “enjoy the movie” – hairdresser says “what do you do?” and i answer then say “what about you”