I went to a wildlife rehabilitation center today and none of the animals were still doing drugs. A massive success!
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I remember the exact moment growing up when I came to know that a babysitter was not someone who sat on babies.
A North Carolina school has removed its bathroom mirrors to stop kids from making TikToks. Ooh, you were so close, they actually do them with their phones.
My webcam business is failing, it’s like men would rather not pay to watch me cry.
Describing a female colleague to your GF, saying “you know, the hot blond” is conducive to sofa sleeping.
[bedtime]
brain: hey remember that lost episode where the couple gets paralyzed DO THOSE SPIDERS LIVE NEAR US
me: SLEEP
brain: NO, GOOGLE IT
My 16 has entered the terrible 2s again but with a grown-up nefarious twist.
I am a smart, funny, capable woman… who just tried to zoom in on a photo in a magazine by double tapping the page.
My kid is almost old enough for social media so we’ll need to have “the talk” soon. You know, about your/you’re and their/there/they’re.
[at hair salon]
Her (holding up mirror): Look good?
Me: Looks great!!![in car two minutes later]
Me (looking in mirror): wtf did she do to my hair
I’m still waiting for the chicken pot pie I cooked last weekend to cool down.
Sometimes you have to put your phone down and take a look at what’s around you..
And wonder how you drove your car into a swimming pool.
mr. miyagi: sweep the leg, daniel-san
daniel-san: do i have to, sensei?
mr. miyagi: *sucks the meat off a chicken thigh, chucks it on the floor* yep. then wax my cars again, nerd
what field of science explains how strawberries know that they’ve been purchased and it’s time to go bad in the next 15 minutes
Therapist was right, stress balls are helpful, I’ve been throwing them at people all day and never felt better.
I like washing dishes by hand because it relaxes my mind, plus you can use the steak knives to play Wolverine.
Me: What’s a que and why are you against it?
Antique dealer: …What?
In Korean restaurant w/my son & Korean waitress says to him”Hi, how are you”? “Sorry I don’t speak Chinese” Great. I’ve raised a douche!
every chef right now: Today I’m going to show you how to make something simple with ingredients everyone has in their pantry, since you can’t go to the store. I’m starting with Madagascar vanilla, hemp milk, and a single feather from a dodo bird.
Dogs are like hey man don’t get mad at me for taking a dump on your carpet. You do that in my special porcelain water dish
me: hey cat what are you up to
cat: ʜᴀɪʟ ʟᴜᴄɪᴘᴜʀʀ
me: what
cat: meow
me: I need tires
michelin: here you go
me: now if only someone could rate my restaurant
michelin: you’re not gonna believe this
Tomorrow is school picture day
Can 9 choose his own clothes? Yes
Did I just remove clothes from his closet I don’t want him to choose? Also yes
Me: *opens door*
Jehovah’s Witness: Can I talk to you about the lord?
Me: Can I talk to you about my new keto diet?
Jehova’s Witness: Can we just pretend like I never knocked?
Me: sure
I’ve just taken a tablet that completely erases your memory of the last 24hrs.
What was I thinking?
Though he came from a long line of spoons, Sammy Spork always noticed a slight resemblance to Mom’s friend Frank, the fork living next door.
I accidentally confused Star Trek with Star Wars and some kid threatened to cut me with his Virgin card.
Still waiting for the day I can illegally download groceries
All Your Eggs in One Basket would be a lovely name for an only child
Don’t worry little groundhog, when I stick my head outside and see what’s going on in the world today I run back inside and hide too.
Thought I was saying, “Bye bye” at the end of a phone call, and it came out, “Bye bay,” and then I’m in a panic, thinking she may have heard it as, “Bye, babe,” and she’s not someone I can “babe,” and then the rest of the evening I have a new episode of Seinfeld in my head