I firmly believe in homeopathy because they cure everything with alcohol.
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I would never raise a hand to my children, but I do occasionally gift them an exploding cigar to evidence displeasure.
Contrary to what you might have heard, running away solves absolutely everything.
Sometimes, when I’m washing my hair with coconut shampoo, I close my eyes and picture being on a remote tropical island, being cooked in a giant pot by canibals.
You can’t fix stupid but you can divorce it
So I adopted a bunny today ❤ everyone meet Mr. Whiskers.
If you don’t wear pants, you’ll never poop them.
– Old folks home fortune cookie
-How much for the inflatable cat?
-Sir that’s bagpipes.
kids will lie to you then straight up tell you they were joking like no my dude jokes have a punchline not a line of ants coming from a kool-aid puddle
5: Can we go outside and play.
Me: I’m sorry but I don’t feel good. I’ve been throwing up.
5: Can’t you just throw up outside?
Why don’t they just call pot head janitors ‘ High maintenance ‘ ?
“Ah a delightful spring day. It reminds me of my youth spent in these hills with my parents and three older siblings. You’ll want to turn left up here but first let me tell you about the season we spent in the cabin by the creek…”
-the new GPS app from Allrecipes
[at funeral]
My brother was so realistic and sensible. I guess you could say-
*casket is lowered into the ground*
-he was down to earth.
My toddler just screamed GET OFF MY LAWN to her brother so it’s nice to know I’m not the only one becoming a totally different person right now
The pitter patter of little feet is one of the most joyful sounds in the world…
…unless it’s 3am…
…and it’s coming from your roof.
8 hrs sleep: So refreshed
6 hrs: Feeling fine
4 hrs: I will rip your head off for a minor transgression
2 hrs: Why is my boss a Minotaur
Life keeps reminding me that I have no idea what I’m doing
Him: Where’d you get that black eye?
Me: My girlfriend gave it to me.
Him: I thought your girlfriend was out of town.
Me: I did too…
Me: I can’t afford to get my hair coloured at the salon this month. I’ll just do it myself at home.
Me: *half an hour later*
Turns out if you don’t click “turn in” when you’re done with your assignment on google classroom, you won’t get credit for doing it.
– my 11yo, genuinely shocked at this discovery
I will continue putting this peanut butter on the wrong side of each saltine until my demands are met.
[face down in a bowl of hot soup]
waiter: is everything ok?
me: *bubble noises*
DATE: This is my first time at a French restaurant
ME: I feel like I’ve been here once before
DATE: Are you having deja vu?
ME: No I’m having the chicken
Friend: You’re going to be an usher at our wedding. Is that okay?
Me: Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah.
It’s too bad my sister wasn’t kinder to me in middle school.
**orders nephew a bullhorn for Christmas**
IRS: hey time to do taxes guess how much you owe
Me: i don’t want to guess can you just tell me
IRS: …
Me: hello?
IRS: i’m thinking of a number between one and jail
Don’t quote me on this, but I’m pretty sure the guy who invented ice fishing must’ve REALLY hated his wife.
I’m not sure how much longer I can live in the city. The seagulls, the flies, the rats. They’re all so expensive here.
THERAPIST: You need to find yourself
WALDO: ah crap
Heading to the dentist. I hope they’ve all taken their Valium and said their prayers.
Squirrels don’t hibernate in the winter they just get angry.