I coughed twice, so now I’m worried that the £67.43 in my bank account won’t split evenly between my two children when I die.
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My ex is going through hard times during the current lockdown,
so I’ve sent her some food parcels using “Fed Ex”.#lockdownUKnow #foodparcel #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
me: hi, can you tell me which is the bride’s side?
lawyer: guests are not allowed at divorce proceedings
Is it still a walk of shame if I’m leaving my own house?
It ain’t like I’m proud of what happened in there.
still processing the fact the US government was like yeah, aliens are real and coming more and more often, and we were all like listen it’s been a hard year lol and then we just didn’t talk about it again
if I worked behind some kind of counter, every day I would simply wear a sleeping cap, and have two tip jars, labeled “honk shoo” and “mimimimimi”
MyChart App: You have a new message in MyChart
Email: You have a new message in MyChart
Text message: You have a new message in MyChart
Skywriter: You have a new message in MyChart
The Rosetta Stone: You have a new message in MyChart
You’re right autocorrect. Much is gracias.
Keep your friends close and your enemies buried beneath your floorboards
I am *this* close to adopting a bunch of cats and opening a bed & breakfast called HairBnB.
if I ever have a daughter I’m gonna name her Erica but spell it Airwrecka
My mom accidentally killed my boyfriend this weekend. She didn’t recognize him when she was canning pickles.
Date: “So, what do you want to be?”
Me: “Impressed.”
Protip: If a coworker tells you they had a dream about good versus evil, don’t ask which one were they.
I didn’t realize that “sow your wild oats” is a metaphor, so I pretty much spent my early twenties farming.
I hate it when I catch SpongeBob halfway through and I can’t follow the plot
My lasagna just took a picture of me and posted it on Instagram
[goes up to a pair of identical twins]
so how did yall meet
me: the show is at 7, want to get there at 6:45?
dad: sure 6 it is
me: i said 6:45
dad: yup 6
me: 6:30?
dad: right we’re on the same page, 6
me: we don’t need to get there an hour early
dad: we can’t arrive right at showtime
me: there are other options
dad: i don’t understand
911! I just murdered a bunch of people
911: omg on purpose?
Hang on lemme ask,
did I murder anyone by mistake?..
No one is answering, So..
My greatest fear about not having children is that I might miss out on certain life experiences, such as getting caught in a bitter custody battle
the only thing getting in the way of my diet is food
Close your eyes. Picture a world without hunger. Open your eyes. I ate your sandwich.
I’ve GOT to get a life stenographer. It’d be great to say, “Betty, read back last night so I can see why I put a skillet on my nightstand.”
What would Jesus do? Today, take Mary out to Olive Garden.
smoking a cigarette reduces your life by 11min unless you smoke it real fast then it only takes like 3 or 4
As a kid my mom laughed at me because I was always worrying about being shot with a crossbow while on the toilet. Well who’s laughing now?
moms in horror movies
COP: any drugs in the car
ME: no
COP: lol nerd
[teaching son to brush his teeth]
Me: this is the part of your skeleton that everyone sees