When Game of Thrones ended, many cast members found new roles and exciting opportunities awaiting them. Others weren’t nearly as fortunate.
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Going off the grid sounds great until you find out how difficult it is to make mayonnaise in the woods.
[me narrating a documentary about narrators]
“I can’t hear what they’re saying cuz I’m talking”
Be kind. Everyone is going through something. Heartache. Financial stress. Their bananas ripened too quickly. Having the song from the Jardiance commercial stuck in their head because it’s aired 5 million times a day.
We all have our battles to fight.
Me: [whacks huge hairy spider with rolled up newspaper] …Got it!
David Attenborough to Producer: Can we get a different camera operator please
Why is it when someone asks if you’ve lost weight you immediately feel like eating a dozen donuts to celebrate.
Mom: Time to wake updog.
Son: *groggily* What’s updog?
Mom: Just waking you up for school, dog, what’s up wit u?
Dad (from hallway): OWNED
In my son’s class they were talking about allergies, my son said “My mom says she’s allergic to most other moms” Super
The nice thing about Hide-and-Seek is your children voluntarily go in a closet and be quiet for 3 hours.
(My first day as a Judge): Bay leaf! Season the prisoner!
Courtroom:
Me: … Well this is embarrassing
I give such good nudes that nobody ever needs to ask me for a second one.
ME: Sometimes I feel like I’m in a bad tweet
NARRATOR: And he was
ME: I see you
NARRATOR: He could see me
ME: Stop
NARRATOR: I did not stop
I got a haircut and grabbed some
shampoo at the checkout line.Her : “Do you want a bag ?”
Me : “OMG…is the haircut that bad ?”
Her :
Date: Once I dated a guy who wore those sneakers that light up when you walk lmao
Me *daren’t move* haha what a loser
Autocorrect changed ‘lover’ to ‘liver’ and that’s ok because I need one of those too.
[music store]
me: [absolutely shredding] I told you I played a little guitar
him: sir, that’s a mandolin
8yo: Geez Mom. Haven’t you ever heard of privacy?
Me: Not since you were born.
ME: (petting a dog) He loves this.
DOG: (being pet) He loves this.
It’s so magical how much rizz I got they call me the rizzard 🪄
This took me a few seconds.. 😅
if they ever legalise drugs, Nestle definitely need to make a KitKet
as is their right
Kid in grocery store walks past me and points “Mommy look, that’s a BIG Mommy!”
It’s called TALL, you little shit.
Look, we don’t expect animals to be nice to strangers right away when they meet them, they need to sniff you to out a little bit to decide if you’re okay or not…. So how come when I do it people are like “Oh, she’s being weird again”
Husband: why are you taking so long to get ready???!!
Later:
-eats the snacks I packed
-drinks my water bottle
-uses my cell phone charger
ME: [inflating second “E” balloon]
WIFE: Are you sure you know how to spell happy birthday?
Me: How old is your daughter?
Her: She’ll be 4 next week.
Me: *audible sigh
(Slowly, emphatically): OK. But I asked how old is she… NOW.
Someday I’d love to treat my wife to some luxury items, like a BMW, a Louis Vuitton bag, or genuine HP ink cartridges.
I’m not saying the Internet lies, but there is an alarming discrepancy in the number of iPads I’ve won and the number that I actually own.
That’s so nice of Activia to offer a money back guarantee. Am I supposed to send them pictures of myself not shitting?