As a child, ‘The Jetsons’ gave me unrealistic expectations for the future: like having a wife who loves me & owning a dog.
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Took my 8 year old to the Grand Canyon and people asked why I didn’t bring my toddler.
If you know my toddler, and you’ve been to the Grand Canyon you will have your answer.
SUMMER BREAK WEEK 1
Kid: Can I have a popsicle for breakfast?
Me: No, absolutely not.
SUMMER BREAK WEEK 2
Kid: Can I have a popsicle for breakfast?
Me: After you eat your real breakfast.
SUMMER BREAK WEEK 3
Kid: What’s for breakfast?
Me: Popsicles.
A kiss begins with K. But it’s also just a text from someone who doesn’t want to have a conversation with you.
Our 10 year old keeps asking me for his first mobile phone and every time he does I ask him ‘who you gonna call?’ and until he answers me correctly he sure as shit isn’t getting one
ME: [with a child on a leash] this is my therapy child.
*gf making spaghetti*
Me: can I get a side of garlic clove with my garlic bread?
Gf: that’s it. You’re not gettin’ any tonight!
Me: sex or clove?? Please say sex, I really need that clove..
Started a deadly new feud with my chiropractor midway through neck treatment and will now have to spend the rest of my life looking over my shoulder.
I hate when millennials make up new words and demand that we all use them. people should only communicate like they did before we started making up all these words: using short grunts & hitting each other over the head with large knobbly clubs
Working from home is the best. Whenever I take off my bra at the office, people get so weird.
A microwave with three only buttons.
1. Hot Pocket
2. Pizza Rolls
3. 4 Hot Pockets and 60 Pizza Rolls
Apparently asking the car salesmen how many people can fit in the trunk is a no no.
I miss the days before the internet, when you didn’t know some person’s every awful thought until they died and you cleaned out their attic.
Cornhub…
For them dirty farmers.
Thanks for your advice, everyone. It was terrible and almost got me killed. But thanks.
If you come across a bear in the woods, it’s best to just wipe it off and apologize.
prince of whales, doo doo doo doo doo doo
Me: I just want to meet someone like me. Someone interesting.
Them: well which is it?
Friend: What’s that you’re reading?
Me: “How to Lose Weight By Eating Anything You Want”
Friend: Wow! If you don’t mind my asking, how much have you lost?
Me: $24.99.
I may be middle-aged but I still have the student loan debt of a much younger man.
Welcome to your 40’s. You now choose restaurants based on how much back support their seating offers
The average time it takes for an elderly woman to get her ringing cellphone out of her purse is 11 days.
If there was an Oscar category for ‘Best Female Taking An Imaginary Phone Call So She Could Hang Up With Her Mom’ I’d win that shit all day.
My bank says my password isn’t strong enough. Did it ever stop and think that my password has a lot going on right now?
Ok Brazil, this would be a time when it’s ok to bite an opponent.
yea so i messed up lol
*primitive gungans defeat battle droids*
*Stone Age ewoks beat elite stormtroopers*
*improbable underdog story defeats logic and reason*
watching Despicable Me with the kids, but pausing it for a quick PowerPoint about how stealing the moon would kill everyone on earth
Sometimes I get bored and try to get random people to read “alpha kenny body” 3 times fast.
*teenage girl breaks pencil*
“I CAN’T EVEN WRITE NOW!”
Mailmen are basically reverse garbagemen.