People who say all you need is love probably already stocked up on Doritos
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My kid keeps asking if we can buy school merch, and sir you are 7 and that is a t-shirt
I walk around like everything is fine, but deep down……
inside my shoe, my sock is sliding off.
It’s so unsettling meeting a baby with a grown man’s name. No I don’t want to hold Keith but can he look over my investment portfolio for me
DATE: so this is my dad and this is his porcelain cat collection
ME: wow, I feel like I’m in a
DATE: no
ME: mewseum
DAD: *nods his approval*
The rule should be if you can smell the cookout you’re invited to the cookout.
I put my pants on just like everyone else: while screaming obscenities at my pants butler
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
In Australia we say tuna not tuna fish because tuna cow and tuna chicken are not readily available here.
Reminder: Please just hit the “RT” button on my tweets if you’re ugly. Don’t want people associating your busted face with my art.
“Cake by the Ocean” probably has some alternate meaning but I’m too old to really care so I like to think it’s about a nice, young fellow eating birthday cake on the beach.
Mufasa: my son, present your first antelope kill
Simba: *hiding cantaloupe behind his back* my what now
Scar: *whispering* lmao I’m the lyin’ king
birds: it’s peaceful this morning
birds: maybe too peaceful
birds: let’s all scream at once
“Sooth.”
-a soothsayer
[First date]
So what do you do for a living?
“I’m a florist”
WHY DON’T YOU LIKE THE FLOOR? WHAT HAS IT DONE TO YOU, IS IT BECAUSE IT’S LAVA?
Saw (2004, Horror): An old man gives 2 people instructions on how to walk out of a bathroom. 102 minutes.
You’ve attempted to log into your online subscription of Psychology Today, please prove you’re not an imposter.
The movie theatre: No outside food or candy allowed
Me:
Accidentally put the Ouija board in the monopoly box so now whenever you land on free parking it summons a ninth level demon
SCIENTIST: You are my finest creation, and I love you like a son even though you’ve malfunctioned and now only say-
ROBOT: Fight me, dipshit
Me [proudly]: This is my son. He’s 10, a fine artist & great at math
Nurse: That’s a garbage can & your morphine drip is still attached
I get into bed.
Husband is already asleep.
I must build a pillow fort between us to keep his hot breath off of my face.
Marriage is fun.
After I saw that my wife “Checked In” to the mall I called to report her credit cards stolen.
I wish I had the same faith in myself as people who leave me voicemails do
HER: let’s be open about how we really feel. I’ll go first I love you.
ME: Ok well… I really, really, don’t want Naruto to end
HER: wtf?
To the person who got hold of my voodoo doll.
Stop feeding it!
#Fitness #Diet #RubbishJokes
#SaturdayMorning
Women on Twitter who boast about the crumbs they catch in their bras have no idea how much food I can carry around in my turban.
Giving me a Milkbone after sex does not make it doggy style
This generation has discovered the selfie stick. My generation discovered AIDS. Don’t know what’s worse.
daughter: daddy! daddy! did you see how high i jumped?
me [eyes closed, blind folded, 3000 leagues under the sea in a deprivation chamber]: yes, wow that was so amazing!!!!