Date: I’m looking for security
Me: I double knot my shoelaces
Date: but also excitement
Me: together
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*Husband using Ouija board after I’ve died*
Please answer me
*arrow moves*
“It’s on the top shelf. Right there. RIGHT THERE! Use your eyes!”
These covid masks work wonders for us butterfaces.
Cheerleaders are there to tell you that your team needs to score more points & the name of your team in case you forget at any given moment
Me (texting): Help I’m in the closet hiding from the murderer
Murderer: Probably shouldn’t use voice to text
Omg what if Nate was short for Nathryn
I’m at a stage in life where I still want to be sexy but
WHY DO YOU KEEP WIPING YOUR BOOGERS ON MOMMY?!!
Getting married is easy, staying married is hard.
Just ask my girlfriend, her husband drives her crazy.
Auto mechanic: Well here’s your problem. The last person to work on this didn’t wash their hands after using the restroom.
Roses are red
Xanax is blue
When one just won’t work
Go ahead and take two
DATE: …your profile said you were a bodybuilder?
ME [assembles crash test dummies for a living]: that’s right
I went on 3 dates with Elijah Wood before I realized he wasn’t Daniel Radcliffe
When Dorothy told the scarecrow she’d miss him most, I wanted the lion and tin man to set him on fire. I told my parents that, in case they got any ideas about showing favoritism.
the enemy of my enemy is my enemy in law
Shouldn’t octopus apendages be called eightacles?
2020: How to turn 5 pieces of clothing into a yearlong wardrobe.
I’ve been walking on eggshells at work lately. My employer claims it’s cheaper than installing new carpeting.
yesterday i was walking to an interview and on the way there, I saw a starving cat. I stopped to feed it and missed the interview. The next day I got a call asking to come in to do the interview. I was surprised but I went anyways. The interviewer came in. It was the cat.
we have ways of making you talk mr bond
[introduces dave]
this is dave, he’s a vegan
“OK ENOUGH”
What do bats eat that makes their shit our standard for crazy?
JUDGE: put ur hand on this book and promise not to lie
PERSON WHO IS IN COURT LITERALY FOR LYING ABOUT THINGS: uh…… ok
[grocery store]
CUTE GIRL {bumps into my cart}: Oh, I’m sorry…that was on accident
ME: Well you know nothing ever happens “on accident”
CUTE GIRL {flirtatiously}: Haha, so are you saying…
ME: Yes, the term is actually “by accident”
My boyfriend thinks it’s cute when I use the clap emoji but I’ve just been trying to tell him that I have an STD.
My second child was so overdue, when we left the hospital we dropped her off at kindergaten.
it’s funny they call them “unidentified flying objects”. I could identify them right away. those are ufos
Nobody tell my Fitbit that today’s steps are coming from inside the casino.
What kind of dessert do ghosts always come back for??
A Boo Meringue
My kids are at their grandparents’ for the week, and did you guys know that when there are no kids living at your house IT STAYS CLEAN ALL THE TIME???
The Pillsbury Doughboy is a goddam monster who sacrifices his own people so that he can get a finger poke.
*I sit bolt upright in bed, drenched in sweat*
HER: Did you have the zombie nightmare again?
ME: (thinking about the time everybody sang ‘happy birthday’ to me and I accidentally joined in) Yes
[me narrating a documentary about narrators]
“I can’t hear what they’re saying cuz I’m talking”