Me: what do you call an insect that used to work for a rideshare company?
Her: don’t
Me: exuberant
Her: what is the opposite of a crime of passion
You Might Also Like
I implanted a voice-modulating chip in my neighbor’s chihuahua, so now, whenever he barks, it sounds like the sax riff from Careless Whispers. So soothing.
Airport Security: Please remove your shoes
Man: Don’t be ridiculous, I’m no terrorist
AS: Sir, do you want to use the bouncy castle or not?
Thrilled I bought a 55″ screen so I can listen to it while I stare at a 4″ screen.
Her: Treat me mean, do bad things to me!
Me: *changes the WiFi password*
Welcome to your forties, when you start saying things like “This store isn’t open yet? It’s almost 7am!”
You can tell a lot about a person when you’re a snitch
Anxious person at a party: Oh! This is a lovely front door! Let me see what it looks like from the outside.
You’re all arguing about what color the dress is… While I’m having sex with the girl who took it off.
The year is 2025. The few survivors of the great plague of 2020 roam the irradiated wastelands of the planet, singing Happy Birthday to themselves constantly. Nobody really remembers why.
I need this for my side hustle.
Hey girl are you Bruschetta because you give me aggressive heartburn and i cant pronounce your name
me: make me the coolest guy
genie: ok all guys are now hotter than u
me: son of a
He died doing what he loved…failing to read my mind.
Outside: Massive bolts of lightning. Deafening roars of thunder. Buckets of rain pouring from the heavens as the lights flicker.
Alexa: A thunderstorm warning has been issued-
Me: NO SHIT ALEXA
my mom: don’t fill up on bread, that’s how they get you
me: that’s how they get YOU, coward. i will bankrupt this olive garden
Mom’s car ran out of coolant and now it’s driving like a humongous nerd.
british waiter: what topping would ye fancy on yer pizza?
british guy: tea
british waiter: jolly good choice
[both laugh britishingly]
*watches nature documentary*
*moves my giraffe print pillows far away from my tiger print pillows*
Her: are you single?
[flashback to 2011 where I tried to kiss a girl but she turned away and I kissed her cheek]
Me: haha idk
I’m single in quarantine and just found a box of googly eyes. I’m going to place them on objects around the house because I miss social anxiety.
8 is addicted to the iPad and he asked where it was at tonight and I said it’s in my car in the garage. He said ok and then I said hopefully the dead woman that lives in the garage won’t get him. Now we’re about to find out how much he wants it.
If IKEA and LEGO combined forces our children could make our furniture.
To whoever needs to hear this: Tie your hair back before you pick up all the dog poop.
Hey America! Flip a coin and elect an idiot already. You’ll hate him either way and I just want my friends back.
so disappointed after seeing this photo & realizing that’s a third llama in the back & not the arm of the right llama ringing a little bell
Your Honor, these 52 selfies on my clients phone at the precise moment of the crime prove that my client can only be guilty of narcissism.
“I Still Haven’t Found What I’m Looking For” is my favourite song about opening and closing the fridge 150 times a day
Dear lady arguing w/ the clerk over whether or not it is “good” champagne: YOU ARE IN A GAS STATION!
ME: I hate when I look in the mirror and I don’t like the person looking back.
THERAPIST: That’s a window. You’re staring at our gardner, Gary.
*goes to grocery store
*puts “gently used” sticker on all their cucumbers