[wedding day of the girl that got away]
any reason why these two shouldn’t be married, speak now or forev[sound of a dirt bike approaching]
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I just bedazzled my twitter handle on a jean jacket in case anybody wants to beat me up in person.
The sexual position formally known as 69 is now called 96. Due to the economy, the cost of eating out has increased.
Nothing puts me in touch with my mortality like stepping onto a downward escalator.
me: [trying to pronounce gnocchi] “gnocc gnocc-”
waiter: “who’s there? haha”
me: “this isn’t a joke son”
Fun prank:
Tell an English major how “impactful” something is.
Me: *coughs*
*coughs again*Husband: Are you ok?
Me: Yes.
*secretly opening the last sleeve of thin mints I don’t want to share*
ME: Here, take my seat
EXECUTIONER: No thank you
Police Officer: “Turn around!”
Me: *sings* “Every every now and then I get a little bit lonely and you’re never coming round…”
oh yeah, well can AI do this?
*eats 7 deviled eggs at the cookout*
That kid that said “if the teacher doesnt show up in 15 minutes, we are legally allowed to leave” is in prison now.
Martin Shkreli is in jail.
Sorry. No point to make. I just like that sentence.
I just cleaned my floors. If you need me I’ll be crawling around, picking up every new crumb by hand and grumbling about how my family needs to eat outside for the next 2 days.
“Knock knock.”
“Who’s there?”
“Santa.”
“Santa who?”
“Santa who has to use the door because you left your fireplace burning, jackass.”
Friend: Have you been using that gym membership card I gave you for Christmas?
Me: All the time! Just this morning I used it to scrape ice off my windows and yesterday I used it to cut a cake.
at soccer practice a mom next to me asked her kids if they wanted to do cartwheels with her and i’m like shut up no one likes you
Me: Can my gift this year be a new secretary.
Boss: I cannot legally assign you anyone until your last secretary’s case goes to trial…
If I ever have an out of body experience, when it’s over I’m gonna be like “Umm, do I have to go back to my original body? I kinda like that younger one with better hair over there.”
[being murdered]
Mailman: *murdering me*
Me: *being murdered*
My Dog: if only someone had indicated on multiple occasions that the mailman was bad OH WAIT
[guy glaring at me because he wants my parking spot]
*adds 72,000 hours to the meter*
Are people who write “prolly” rather than “probably” just lazy, completely illiterate, or do they actually think that’s a word?
Me: “A handful of goldfish makes a great snack.”
Her: “Those crackers are too salty for me.”
Me (with fish breath): “What crackers?”
My toddler taught himself how to pause and play shows on Netflix completely rendering me nonessential.
Invention idea:
Written versions of audio books.
[After winning an award]
Host: Is there anyone you would like to thank?Me *smiles at my wife and kids in the crowd as I lean into the mic* no
“You looked stressed”
Me: “Thanks, it’s probably all the stress”
Guys, my heart is broken. Utterly broken.
I’ve been married more than 10 years. A whole decade and I guess even that’s not enough to fully know a person
I came home early today from work to surprise my wife. I opened the door and walked in on her watching “twilight” on Netflix
me: let me tell you about the fast and the furious movies
him: no spoilers
me: i assure you there are a ton
Quick question: do you pee before or after sex? I pee after. I haven’t been able to pee in months
I don’t think I can manage sugar daddy but I could probably scrape together a carb uncle