tinder, huh? back in my day if you wanted a girl to notice you, you had to dress like a gargoyle and cling to the roof of her parents’ home
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Jokes on you, inflation, I’ll never stop buying peanut butter.
[hears one Christmas song] My heart is overflowing with glad tidings
[hears another one] I’ve never been angrier
Welcome to your 40s: here’s your ice pack.
It may be an unpopular opinion, so block me if you must, but not all Girl Scout cookies are good. Their “Toast-yay!” should be called “Toast-boo!”
Wife [walking into house]: Ummm..
Me: [recreating “You Better Shape Up Scene” from Grease with my dog dressed as Sandy]: You’re home early.
Not need to ever fold your fitted sheets if you spread them all onto the bed and then remove a layer every two weeks
[being murdered]
Me: You’re going to somehow ruin this, aren’t you?
Apparently you can’t sell your eggs if you’ve been diagnosed with depression so I guess none of these people want funny kids
Bradley Cooper is saying it took him 6 years to learn to conduct a 6 minute piece of music. Buddy you have to say more. What’s 6 years? Every day? Once a week? Did you take a year off. Did you take 5 1/2 years off. What possibly could take 6 years please this is ruining my life
Today’s Tarot Card: It’s not the destination that matters; it’s the huge number of enemies you’ve made along the way.
They make SAVORY soup now? No more dessert soup for me!
[Walmart customer service]
ME: i want to talk to the manager.
MANAGER: hi sir is there a problem?
ME: no, i just want to talk.
If someone says they’d “Like a word with you,” I can guarantee it’s way more than one word and you’re not going to like any of them.
her: my fantasy is eating whipped cream off each other, what’s yours
JRR Tolkien: *big breath in*
I may not know much about a lot of things, but this fact I’m sure of:
A smoke detector battery will never go dead during the day.
Arnold Schwarzenegger glancing up excitedly and then looking away disappointedly multiple times while watching the intro to “Hey Arnold”
7yo: Did you drink coffee before we were born?
Me: Yes
7yo: Did you eat pancakes?
Me: Yes
7yo: What didn’t you do?
Me: Talk while peeing.
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
pantsless bc the day after international women’s day means women are half off
The Godfather: keep your friends close, but your enemies closer
Mrs The Godfather: WHAT
New York: The city that never sleeps.
Berlin: The city that never sleeps until Sunday.
Paris: The city that never sleeps alone.
Me ten years ago: I can’t believe people are giving up their landlines. That’s crazy.
Me today: I can’t believe people still have their landlines. That’s crazy.
*Cleans glasses*
“Omg I have a cat?”
Me: Maybe I’ll go out tonight
Depression: No, you will cry yourself to sleep instead
Anxiety: It’s my turn and I want you to have a full blown panic attack
Stress Eating: Guys, let’s play together
“Hey, you guys dare me to eat this whole party sub by myself?”
I ask the dolls that line my bedroom shelves
“Alexander’s not so Great” – younger brother, Steve the Ok
First time drinking whiskey.
Barman: And this one is 15 years old.
Me: Do you have any fresh ones?
I’m missing the VMAs. Who’s losing? Is it music?
I can’t get the cork off my dinner.
Telling someone they can’t be sad because others have it worse is like telling someone they can’t be happy because others have it better.