cut negativity out of your life. delete Facebook. block your landlord’s number. uninstall your banking app. stop paying taxes. forget math. self care.
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I had two mice from the local church at my door last night.
They wanted to talk to me about cheeses
I hit a parked car today so naturally I left a note. It said “Die, Decepticons! Die!”
Reasons to have a landline phone:
1. To find your cell phone when it’s missing
2. See reason #1
me: [climbing a tree]
bonsai artist: please stop
My daughter asked me if I’d be very upset if she didn’t live with me when she’s a grownup so I told her I’d try my best once I stopped laughing
4 year old twins that dress alike: aww that’s cute
40 year old twins that dress alike: ok knock that shit off it’s kinda creepy.
[after drug rehab]
Jon Arbuckle: Hey Garfield
Garfield: *normal cat noises*
What do you mean you no longer like one of the five foods you actually eat: a parenting memoir
It’s weird to think there was a time when the most data a tablet could hold was five commandments.
Coworker: Pass your random drug test?
Me: With flying colors!
CW: Really?
Me. So many colors!
CW: You’re high right now aren’t you?
Is it wrong to make change from the collection plate? Asking for a friend.
I tried on and bought two pairs of jeans today without testing my phone in the back pocket. I don’t even know who I am anymore.
It’s a myth that comedians stop being relevant after they turn 40. I managed it in my mid twenties.
I’ve reached the age where if someone rings my bell after 9pm I either left my car door open or I’m about to be murdered
When I die, cremate everything but my feet. Then set the feet covered in my ashes on a stranger’s front porch, ring the doorbell, and hide
[bean naming]
Angel: okay, this one?
God: it’s black, so black bean
A: and this?
G: lol that looks like a kidney— kidney bean!
A: k, and this one?
G (giggling): GARBANZOOOOOoooooo!!
A: … dude, you alright?
I get all snooty about Great British Bake Off contestants doing things wrong like two years ago I wasn’t googling “what is shoe pastry”
Went jogging and on the way back had to call an Uber. Faked an ankle injury and prayed it wasn’t the same driver as the last time.
Guy: I want to be more than friends
Me: like business owners?
Give a man a fish and chances are you won’t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift “from all of us” anymore.
Einstein was wrong. The real definition of insanity is trying to clean your house when you have children.
You should be able to mute someone in real life. Annoying coworker? Silence them for 24 hours by booping them on the nose!
Wife: *falls in volcano*
Me: You ok, honey?
Wife: Ya. Can you toss me a blanket?
Me: What are you doing sweet girl
4yo: Making my dolls eat brains.Help.
I just declined a mandatory work meeting invite. I am drunk with power.
Dated a mime once – God was it good – he did sooooo many ~unspeakable things~to me ….
I didn’t answer the door when my neighbor knocked because I didn’t feel like it, but then they started having a whole gathering outside and now I have to pretend I’m not home for probably another 2-3 hours.
If you hate awkward silences, then necrophilia isn’t for you.
hey boy 😉 is that a gun in your pocket or are you just pleased to see m- oh, it is a gu- yes i will open the cash register
“you’re the first girl i’ve brought here”
the bartender: