i hate the assumption that people who get up early are doing it to be productive. i’m up at 6:30 am to watch movies
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I now ask my Dad things like he used to ask me when I was a teenager.
Where are you going? Who are you going with? What time will you be back? Do I know any of these people? Do you have a coat?
I bet when spiders see those fake green cob webs on Halloween they must be like “Ugh, tourists”.
When my husband goes outside to investigate a strange noise, how long do I have to wait before un-pausing the show we were watching?
LAZINESS LEVEL: PRO!
#NationalLazyDay
4: Mommy, you’re just like a Disney movie. We should play pretend.
Me: Aww! Sure!
4:You can be the Beast.
Me: …
4: Or the fat sea witch!
The Police asked me to make a statement so I stripped naked and ran around the precinct shouting, “Save the whales!”
Liven up your gym routine by screaming “Jane! Stop this crazy thing!” while on the treadmill.
Ronald McDonald’s favorite song is the bigmacarena
I blame 2 of my 3 DUIs on Jesus because I specifically told him to take the wheel
Fun prank: a chameleon exhibit with no chameleon.
I can’t see those guns made on 3D printers catching on.
If HP make the cartridges, it will be cheaper to buy an AK-47.
Seek respect, not attention. It lasts longer.
Obama: Please don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning cup of Joe.
Joe: no please no more.
Obama: shut up Joe. *takes a sip of Joe*
Sometimes I’ll sign a wedding guestbook with something inspirational:
“1 out of 5 stars: would not recommend”
listen, if your girl ever has to move home for a few weeks to save a family business whilst in the company of a charming slacker she once had a crush on in high school, you’re gonna have a bad time
The grass is greener on whatever side of the fence you water it. Stay in your own yard. Trespassers get shot in my yard.
Spy balloons monitor our skies and our psyche
My dog sets an impossible bar on how to greet my wife when she comes home.
You’ll be disappointed to know faking your own death is more about forging documents than it is about lying perfectly still with your eyes closed
First date:
Me: Is this it? Are we HAVING THE SEX?!?
Him: that’s a breadstick
1 rabbit can make 1,000+ babies in its life
DATE: how do you know that
*shouting over deafening hopping sounds from the attic* INTERNET
I’m sticking to my guns.
I really should have washed my hands after I ate.
Her: Feed me!
Me: To what?
when the ice cream man drives down my street I walk alongside him screaming TAKE ME WITH YOU I WILL BEAR YOU MANY STRONG SONS
We talk a big game for a species that has a favourite cup
“What would your friends say your biggest weakness is?”
“I have none.”
“I don’t believe that.”
“It’s true, I have no friends.”
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#ThursdayVibe
Imagine how exciting the Tour de France would be if they added some sweet ramps.
When you go to therapy they should get to ask three people in your life what your problem is before you start.
Popeye: Whys you we’rin glasses? A-gah-gah-gah
Brutus: Doc says I need em bad
Olive: Hiya fellas
Brutus: *jumps back* THAT’S HOW YOU LOOK?
Shit. Gotta huge job interview tomorrow and I have no clue where I put my prom dress