[me flirting]
Cute guy: hey how’s it goin
Me: YES I ALSO LIKE BLUEBERRIES
Cute guy:
Me: THEY’RE ACTUALLY PURPLE WHEN YOU SMUSH THEM
Cute guy: *backing away*
Me: I HOPE DROGON IS OKAY
You Might Also Like
The best thing capitalism has done is put a little window on pasta boxes so the noodles can look out at the world.
I’ve got roughly 12 hours left of summer vacation, and I’m really starting to think that my friends & I aren’t going to stumble across an alien creature stranded in the woods, or discover a secret map providing clues to buried pirate treasure. And that’s just sad.
With the money I found in the dryer, the girl in me says buy chocolate and candy, but the adult in me says buy beer, chocolate and candy.
Get a ring camera so you can yell at your kids when they’re out front and freak them out.
R.I.P.
Web MD should go ahead and sell caskets.
My kid doesn’t hear me when I ask her to clean her room but when I curse under my breath from three rooms away with a closed door she yells, “Mom said a bad word!!!”
Someone asked me if a co-worker was going to quit without notice. I correctly said notice isn’t required, employment in our state is ‘at-will.’ I was written up for “spreading rumors.” I worked 1 day into the next month to ensure 30 days more benefits and quit without notice.
The grass is fuckin greener wherever you water it…….
….idiot….
Breaking up
(be mature, be mature, be mature)
Me: (eating chips) you can’t use the carpool lane anymore.
nobody:
ppl with clear cases:
When you do it as an adult it’s a Wet William
Awwwwww he is confused! ❤️🤣🤣
Do something nice for your ex today, take them out. One bullet should do the trick.
Don’t embarrass a guy by telling him his fly is open in public.
Just be a man, walk over there, and slowly zip it up for him.
I thought I liked salads…turns out, I like croutons and ranch dressing.
Here’s a list of things I need you to accomplish without any resources to do them with.
-management
I speak four languages
English
Australian
Slang
Typo
dentist: how much mtn dew have you been drinking?
me: i don’t know why
dentist: because your teeth are snowboarding ok that’s why
When you stumble across a penny on the ground it can mean several different things:
*a deceased relative is trying to get your attention
*you’re headed in the right direction, keep going
*someone dropped a penny
My cat just winked at me and now it’s awkward because I only see her as a friend.
cicadas cotton eyed joe
🤝
where did they come from?
where did they go????
Hemorrhoids should be called a more gender-neutral name, such as themorrhoids.
The best part about pooping with the door open is seeing the faces of everyone in the elevator.
How can you still believe in astrology after hearing Mewtwo say that the circumstances of your birth are irrelevant
Stages of home cleanliness:
1. Spotless
2. Tidy
3. Messy
4. Apocalyptic doom
5. Unsupervised toddler
Daughter : “mom , will you do my math homework for me tonight?”
Me: “No, it wouldn’t be right.”
Daughter: “Well, just do your best.”
Me: I’d like to schedule an eye exam.
Receptionist; Any particular reason?
Me: Bikini season.
The nicest thing you can do for someone with a new baby is agree the baby looks exactly like whoever they say it looks like even though all babies look basically the same to outside observers. Yes yes he looks remarkably like your uncle George, uncanny, really.
All these laws are really getting in the way of my driving.