Son: But I’m not hungry!
Me: I heated that pop tart for 22 seconds! You’re gonna eat!
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All I’m saying is when a person is intoxicated, it’s difficult to tell if they’re dancing or backing up.
Anyone who wants to learn how to be humble, feel free to talk to me. There’s nothing like learning from the best.
My favorite thing about people singing happy birthday in a restaurant is when they stop.
Forever 21… pounds overweight
You’re following someone who just picked up a candle and tried to drink it
Me: I’m not a morning person
Everyone: no shit
Me: 46 and out of shape
Also me: Looks around for NBA scouts any time I make a basket
*thinks every animal is a type of dog*
*sees a cat* scratch dog
*sees a parrot* talk dog
*sees a worm* spaghetti dog
They say I’m too much of a competitive mom but I think kids need encouragement
I SAID SWEEP THE LEG, LILY!-Ma’am, this is just a bake sale
Before we were married, my wife was like a tiger in the bedroom.
Now she’s more like a possum.
She plays dead whenever a snake approaches.
The tooth fairy forgot to come last night. Luckily she woke in a panic at 5 am and visited in the nick of time.
Stop correcting my vodkabulary
9 applied hot sauce to his cheek to cure sunburn.
*crumples up applications to Yale, UCLA, community college
no one should have to work on Sundays till you pull up to the Taco Bell and it’s dark inside
Wonder when that family from Russia is going to realize I took a selfie instead of a photo of them standing in front of the Chinese Theatre.
“How about we go with a gerund, but, like, maybe just half a gerund.”
– How ING Bank got its name
One of my greatest joys in life is when Jeff calls the vet to make an appointment and they ask for his name, and he says, Jeff. Then, they ask for our cat’s name, and I watch him gather his strength before he tells them, Baby Jeff.
Even in mid-air, when we
can see nothing but the clouds, my kid can still rock the question, ‘are we there yet’
me: [making impt life decision] what should I do
wife: just listen to your gut
me: ok
gut: let’s get nachos
me: BYE WE’RE GOING OUT FOR NACHOS
wife: wtf just happened
Pro of being an adult, I can eat a whole cake, and no one can stop me
Con of being an adult, I ate a whole cake and no one stopped me.
Now I feel sick
Welcome to Twitter, someone with cat ears & whiskers will be along shortly to explain why you’re wrong.
Didn’t want cats … had 2 cats.
Didn’t want marriage … got married 2 times.Ok Karma … I’m on to you.
I don’t want a million dollars
4-year-old: I found a caterpillar. It’s not poisonous.
Me: How do you know?
4: I licked it.
6YO: Can I eat a cookie?
Me: Finish your dinner first
6YO: My stomach is full except for a circle shaped space
Imagine if songbirds sang real songs and you got to hear WHOOMP THERE IT IS every morning
When you do it as an adult it’s a Wet William
[restaurant]
ME: this chicken fried steak is terrible
WAITER: that’s probably because it was fried by a chicken
[doing a crossword]
friend: what’s a 9 letter word for phony
me: baby horse
friend: no like fake
me: unicorn jr
If I was rich I’d have two hedge mazes. One from which there can be no escape. And one for more lighthearted affairs and casual mazing.