Just watched a woman outside of the UPS store yell at another woman, “GO TO HELL, MARGARET!” Margaret looked absolutely scandalized. As if this was the first time someone told Margaret to go to hell. As if.
You Might Also Like
Girls on Facebook call it, “The Walk of Shame.”
Girls on Twitter call it, “The Strut of Satisfaction”
It’s like you don’t even WANT me to break into your house and cook you a delicious breakfast.
Between the polyester and hairspray, it’s surprising more people didn’t spontaneously combust in the 80s.
Once I ate 32 consecutive flavorless oreos before realizing they were checkers
Nobody knows how much work I put into looking only this fat.
I don’t know. “Your goose is cooked” seems like a positive. Like someone saying, “Hey, dinner’s ready. We’re having goose.”
My kids said they wanted to try something new this summer so I showed them how to vacuum & do laundry.
Publix cake decorators should get $50/hr
Police – they really trashed your house, anything missi-
Me – hmmm? No, this is how it always looks
Daughter:What’s a whore?
Me:Not now.
Daughter I’ll ask my aunt.
Me:You’re getting warm.
Daughter:Mom will know.
Me: You’re on fire!
12yo son forgot his electric toothbrush — so now he has to MOVE HIS ARM to brush his teeth.
His protest was legendary.
wife: [kissing me] let’s roleplay
me: ok
wife: pretend you’re my daddy
me: ok
wife I’ve been a bad girl
me: why’d u marry that idiot
WAITER: room for dessert?
ME: no thanks, we’ll just eat it right here
Someone hired a sloth with a knife to murder me, he’s in my driveway, so I have 6-8 months to live
No thanks, $30 haunted house. I can watch the news and get scared any time for free.
We’ve been getting a meal kit service and 9yo has been gamely trying all of it, but the other day it was salmon, which I knew he’d never eat, so I made him chicken fingers from frozen instead. He was like “WOW, is this hello fresh? This is INCREDIBLE.”
Boss: Are you high?
[Me watching him evaporate] I hope so.
[walking into a gym]
me: i’m looking to do the least that burns the most calories
bird: I’m a bird. I have the ability to soar majestically over the mountains. I have a bird’s eye view of this beautiful planet and can see how wonderful it all is
me: and yet you choose to hang out in this McDonald’s parking lot
bird: did I mention I’m a seagull?
Me: [covered in chocolate, miniaturized, turning into a blueberry, stumbling out of an incinerator, and floating away] I’ll take the job
Willy Wonka:
I’m for traditional marriage, mostly because I want to know how many goats I’m worth.
Sorry we can’t be friends, but you spent $50 on a wine scented candle because it smelled good instead of just buying me five bottles of wine.
Clerk at Lowes handed me my receipt and I said, “Have a good day.” He responded, “Have an even better day,” and now it’s a god damned contest.
I told 9 to eat the ice cream straight out of the container, because I’m teaching her basic life skills.
A surprise party on someone’s birthday isn’t surprising. A better time would be 3-4 months after their birthday, in the middle of the night.
It’s so unfair how the houses on HGTV get remodeled in 30-60 minutes, but my house is taking 2-3 months.
That moment the school calls because 15 was caught drinking at school and it’s still the same principal that had to call your parents.
When I see the lyrics to a song I’ve been singing wrong the whole time.
They also CAN sing✌️
One of the dumbest things I ever heard was a friend of mine asking for advice about his wife being pissed at him for a week straight. She’d been trying to spice up their love life and asked him what he liked that she didn’t know about and he said Asian girls lmfao