Baby Timberlake: ACHOO!
*Both Timberlake parents reach for a tissue*
Justin: OMG we are so…
Jessica: DON’T say it.
Justin: …N*Sync
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My boss said “dress for the job you want, not for the job you have”
Now I am sitting in a disciplinary meeting in my Wonder Woman costume.
Winter sex: “Let’s do this”. *slowly takes off all three pairs of rugby socks, wipes nose, continues to take off more socks*
I made a grown man cry today in court.
But yet I can’t get my kids to clean their damn rooms.
Chairs are pretty great.
You can fight a lion, or sit if you want.
dividing 75 by 2 to get 37.5……. awful experience. wouldn’t wish it on anyone
I stole a friend’s phone today and set it so it will autocorrect “I’ve” to “me’ve” and me’m really excited about it.
I know it’s fiction but the logic in The Walking Dead is so skewed it is impossible to suspend disbelief.
An Asian guy named Glenn?
Please
New rule: no video games before the time you’d normallly get home from school. That’s going to work with the 17 year old, right?
if you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all: I watched Rebel Moon 2 and the Netflix app worked well. showed me the entire movie. in color
Me: I’ll call you when I get home so you know I’m safe
Bus driver: I really don’t care
me: I quit drugs to concentrate on rock climbing
him: nice what’s the highest you’ve been
me: I tried to kiss a goldfish
This guy walked up to me and said he knew me from somewhere but couldn’t place where. I asked if he’d ever worked in a liquor store and guess what you guys?
definitely thought i’d be solving mysteries and unmasking ghosts in a van with a dog by this point in my life
honestly? my therapy dog gives terrible advice
The secret to having all of your dreams come true is to keep changing your dreams to something that’s just about to happen anyway.
My cat hissing at an empty chair is why I sleep in the attic.
A woman on the elevator just told me I have a very nice speaking voice and should do something with it.
Like, uh… talk?
Marriage,
Or as I like to call it;
The wonder yearsWonder why she is mad this time
Wonder why my stuff is on the lawn
[about to invent the button] this is going to be so cute
If it ain’t broke, my children haven’t touched it yet.
[flirting]
ME: Do you come here often?
HER: Sir, I’m the librarian.
ME: Uh huh.
HER: And this is a library.
ME: Oh, gotcha.
HER: Okay then.
ME: *whispers* Soooo, do you come here often?
My son played a song in the car and I actually liked it. Hell has frozen over.
*drinks beer from my glass slipper*
On any given microwave, there’s only one button to me. It doesn’t matter what I’m cooking I just keep hammering popcorn until it’s done.
[phone call]
murderer: I know where u live
me: it’s just til I get back on my feet
Me: *runs up* if anyone asks, we’re friends. just be cool.
Dog: *wags tail*
Me: oh you’re good.
*walks away from an explosion in slow motion
*walks right into another explosion in slow motion
Please take your Apple Watch off if you are wearing a dress or formal attire. You look like a spy kid😭😂
Apple Watches your money go into their pocket.
My front facing camera:
Me: I disagree.