Me: *eating turkey*
Cartographer: My work!
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In email they should change “Save As New” to “Ugh, I’ll Deal With That Later.”
I dropped a whole bowl of Munchie Mix on the floor in case you’re wondering where the dogs got their newfound appreciation for my athletic prowess.
[at church]
ME: the fabric on these pews is so soft
HER: omg put your pants back on
My neighbor is a real douche & always cheating on his wife, so I changed my wifi to KARL IS CHEATING ON YOU AMY for when she needs my wifi.
If I had a time machine I would go back to the Star Wars era and kill baby Darth Vader
I’m home alone for the first time in 45 years and I’m only 39
Me: do you like my new hairstyle?
17: oh – did you do that on purpose?
Me: Well, basically it sounds like when you’re crouching in an abandoned building on a remote planet in the future and a Cylon is scanning for your presence to destroy you.
Dishwasher Repair Man: That will be $200.
My husband has a blanket pulled up over his face.
I think this means he wants me to talk to him.
Turns out that the half-acre I bought is in an active tectonic zone. I’m on shaky ground here folks. I have a lot on my plate and it’s all my fault.
*at my funeral*
Friend crying over my casket: look they’re burying her in her favorite dress
Me, still dead: it haaasss pockets
I schedule my tweets pretty far out in advance, so I might not be funny now, but I’ve got a banger coming in August of 2037.
Me: we can all get along and live in unity
Me 2 seconds later behind a couponer at the store: ok no we can’t
FUN FACT: Your landlord can’t tell you “no pets allowed” if your pet is large enough to eat them.
People in my office act like they’ve never seen someone in formal working pajamas before.
One job requirement for a substitute bus driver is being able to navigate with directions given by 4th graders.
INTERVIEWER: can you explain this gap in your resume
ME: no but i can explain this gap in my teeth. i can shoot water out of it. *takes a sip of his coffee* vanna thee?
My life is like a Disney movie in that I’m grumpy, dopey, sleepy, and sneezy most of the time and I once got caught brushing my hair with a fork
100,000 Americans signed a petition to have Justin Bieber deported back to Canada.
8 million Canadians signed a petition to prevent this.
“Doc, my boyfriend & I don’t wanna get pregnant. He hates condoms & I think the jelly isn’t working.”
“What kind are you using?”
“Grape”
A Nigerian prince needs my help #BadReasonsForALoan
[broken down by the side of the road]
ME: I think it’s the carburetor.
WIFE: You sure?
ME: Absolutely.
WIFE: Do you even know what that is?
ME: Of course.
WIFE: What does a carburetor do?
ME: It carburetes.
Crush: what u up to
Me: about to take a shower and listen to music
Crush: nice, what kind
Me: *nervously* one with water
The biggest threat to mankind is aliens somehow receiving transmissions of Xbox Live conversations and deciding to just blow up the planet.
I’ve never been introduced before entering a room unless you count “Shh, here she comes!”
When a kid wants to snuggle it means you’re about to get warmth in your heart and an elbow to every single one of your other organs.
I accidentally dropped my ID as I was showing it to the cashier at the liquor store. I bent down to pick it up and I must have made one of those old people grunts you make when getting off the couch because he said, “you’re good” before I even got to show it to him.
me: cheeseburgers are better than sex
her: maybe you’re doing it wrong
me: I stick my meat between two buns and slather it in sauce, add cheese, pickles and bacon
her: I meant sex
me: me too
My son knows he can’t use the f word in public and he certainly can’t say it in front of his younger sister or she’ll want to use it and also he thinks the f word is “phone.”
I never met a problem I couldn’t make worse