Man: You’re killing me
Comedian: [strangling man with cloth] this is great material
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I don’t have ADD. It’s just that everything is more interesting than what I have to get done.
You know where I’d like to go?
Missing
Before kids: “I will make everything from scratch. We’ll be so healthy.”
After kids: “Someone bring me my binder of takeout menus.”
Girlfriend: It’s 11:11, make a wish
Me (eyes roll): *stares out window*
Girlfriend: [gets text message] Crap, I have to go home
Me: Holy shit
didn’t turn any of my pre-dawn work alarms off bc i thought i needed to panic for no reason on my days off
Neo is 57-years-old he’s definitely taking the blue pills.
you’re fasting for lent, I’m furiousing for lent; we are not the same
I hate when you go to church and another guy is wearing the same goat mask.
the coolest name by far is wolfgang. just a gang of wolves. not even a pack. these wolves do crimes
Sorry I haven’t tweeted in a couple of days. My kid followed me from room to room making really obnoxious whale noises and I feel like I’ve gotten a taste of my own medicine
My wife told me to get a real job or pack my bags!
What an idiot! Who threatens someone with a vacation???
Coworker – Have you ever gotten Covid?
Me – Does my gut look like I’ve ever lost the sense of taste or smell?
I give it a month and all of us will have buzz cuts.
Ladies and gentlemen, cats…😑
@owenbroadcast Sometimes I’ll go to small towns and just stand there in a flannel shirt just in case I’m in a Hallmark movie
Doctor: eating every 2 hours is wrong
Me: yea, 2 hours is a stretch
Have you ever accidentally ended a business call with “I love you?” Oh yeah me neither.
BOWSER: Yo man, remember that time I kidnapped your girlfriend and sent like 2000 of my goons to try and kill you? Then you broke into my house and dumped me in the lava?
MARIO: Yeah.
BOWSER: Haha OK cool, you want to ride go karts later?
MARIO: I sure do!
Coworker sneezed, and said “Oh my. I don’t know where that came from.”
I’m no Scientist, but I’m pretty sure it came from her nose.
Starbucks coffee is disgusting. First of all it tastes like soap, second of all u have to get it from dispensers in the BATHROOM????
This everything bagel has too much giraffe on it
To the girl who said I should get off twitter and pay attention to my children, I want you to know I’m ignoring my husband, too.
I started cleaning the house at 8:00 this morning. And I cleaned for what felt like forever. Finally, at 8:05 I said, “Screw this!” and went back to the couch where I belong.
#WhenIMisspelled ya know.
Wife: Could you be dehydrated?
Me: Of course not.
W: How much water have you had?
Me: Two coffees & a bourbon.
W: Wow.
Me: Told you.
I arrived early at the restaurant last night. Do you mind waiting for a bit? The manager asked.
Not at all I replied.
Good, take these pizzas to table 6, he said.
Fact: Children can hear at a higher frequency than adults.
How no one has developed an effective child-repellant yet is beyond me.
If Ariana Grande made a lot of money selling designer chokers her song would have been called Thank U, Necks
Wife: I won’t ask again, take the trash out!
Me: OK, ok. I’m doing it!
[3 days later]
W: Can you take the trash out?
M: No way!
W: *angry* I beg your pardon?
M: *shrugging* You promised you’d never ask me again
W: I despise you
Wife: Your problem is your incompetence
Me: I can hold my pee just fine