Spent $20 on face coverings for my kids but I’m saving thousands of dollars on braces.
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[Block Party]
Me: The Johnsons brought hotdogs.
Host: Just toss them on the fire.
[Later]
Host: Why are the hotdogs still frozen?
Me: Good news! We won’t have to worry about the Johnsons playing loud music at night!
In grocery store & guy grabs my hand,starts to walk.I go with him, till he turns & realizes I’m not his wife.We broke it off…Single again
When your baby cries, don’t feed it. That’s just what it expects you to do. You have to outsmart it.
After announcing our weight at birth, parents shouldn’t stop. If they announced it at every birthday, we’d all be a lot skinnier.
[at the doctors]
me: *opens wide and goes ahh*
proctologist: how the hell r u doing that?
There is a famous person next to me at this coffee shop. You can tell he’s waiting for me to say something. Not gonna happen. Not gonna give him the time of day. Just going to sit here and continue making machine gun noises with my mouth
Hey everyone, try my new soft drink. It’s called MOIST
How times have changed.
BACTERIA 1: [runs toward pizza that has just been dropped on the floor]
BACTERIA 2: [football tackles him to the ground] YOU HAVE TO WAIT FIVE SECONDS SEBASTIAN
Wondering when these skinny jeans are gonna kick in.
My daughter just came up to me in a ski mask and said “give me all your money!”
Then she turned around and said “you look broke, I’ll try another house” as she promptly walked away.
I didn’t know my apartment shared a wall with the elevator shaft until someone got off in my bedroom.
Asked my gf to buy me a 2-pack of socks and she came back with these wtf
Maybe it’s love, or maybe she just can’t unclasp that damn bracelet on her wrist without help
Those are not the screams of an animal caught in a bear trap, they’re the bleatings of a dog banished to the back yard and rendering her unable to run assist with the repairman.
Well, this is awkward
I hate to rub it in, but lotion doesn’t really work otherwise.
Him: When I break something, I fix it… you should try this sometime.
Me: Uhhh I take the kids to therapy thank you very much.
Hit the showers. Smack a sink. Verbally assault a bathtub. Make everyone at Home Depot uncomfortable.
I just want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the house-sitter like “If the puma seems restless, let him splash in the Jacuzzi a bit.”
[first day in prison]
Me: (to the biggest guy) You know what? You’re busy. I can come back.
My husbands signature move is running to town “real quick” and coming home 5 hours later.
*alien probing me
Me: Ok a little to the left
Alien: I SAID STOP THAT
Calm down ‘Fitbit’ joggers. I can drink one 5-Hour Energy and reach my target heart rate without even getting off my couch
since i quit vaping and drastically cut down alcohol consumption, my sweet tooth is out of control. i almost never ate dessert before and now im like ah yes the traditional 9am seven layer cake.
According to the stores .I should be in a Halloween costume, sitting under a Christmas tree eating turkey . I’m so confused.
nothing saves money like being antisocial