Justin Bieber breaks up with Selena Gomez… the same week Black Ops 2 comes out? Good call Justin.
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A relationship should be 50/50.
50% man
50% bear
50% pig
3: I hit you in the head with the shovel
me: um, no thank you
3: it’s ok. I’ll be gentle
Me, leaving my child home alone: Call me if there’s an emergency.
My child, calling me 2 minutes later: Do you know where the Oreos are?
Welcome to twitter, the support group for people who like people who don’t like people.
I was out with my bf and a waiter called me a ‘cradle robber’ cuz he’s 18 and I’m 43.
Totally ruined our 10th anniversary.
[waffle house]
Waitress: how do u like your eggs
Me: hatched and with their families
W: no how do u like them cooked
M: [spits out coffee]
Small children who dress as Batman must be forced to fight crime. To teach them a lesson, about lying
I dropped food on the floor and my dog got excited but it was just tomato. I catfished my dog
Caught my uncle checking his phone mid way through the rosary and I absolutely squealed on him (for context I’m 41 and a guest in their home).
I want to apologize for the awful true things I said when I was angry.
Year 2142: Meat eaters have died out. Vegans survive.
2143: Everyone is dead b/c the vegans couldn’t tell anyone else that they were vegan.
I’m going to be the most petty poltergeist ever. I’ll do things like unplug your phone charging overnight
Stuck in a massive traffic jam because I refused to take an alternate route. Suddenly realized why the orange cones are shaped like dunce caps.
5: this one time i slept in till like 7am!
Me: *holding back tears* I remember
The best thing about wearing socks all the time is being able to clean coffee spills without lifting a finger.
Whoever said your harshest critic is yourself never had an 11 yr old daughter
People keep talking about the new Star Wars trailer. In my day, Star Wars had SPACESHIPS!
[God creating me]
And then we sprinkle in just a touch of anxiety
[the lid pops off and the whole jar spills in]
[God shrugs] He’ll be fine
My 5-year-old “is the milk from nice cows?” Idk dude just eat your cereal
If I were a ghost, I’d spell “antidisestablishmentarianism” on the Ouija board just to waste those idiots’ time.
During sex
Me: Go deeper
Him: *Stares in the horizon* Imagine living in a world without wars
There was an episode of the Flintstones where a mechanic worked on Fred’s car HEY FRED YOURE GETTING RIPPED OFF THERE IS NO ENGINE IN THERE
I drink expresso irregardless of the time, because, for all intensive purposes, its good for my sole. Also, it keeps my brain alot sharper.
An old natural remedy to soothe a broken heart is rubbing a jellyfish on it.
Saying “I’m practicing social distancing”
-everyone doing it
-not very exciting
-no varietyExclaiming “keep your hands off me good sir!”
-classy
-are you a character in a victorian novel?
-implies someone would want to touch you
when the news anchor says “if you know anything about the crime please contact police”
dont call the police and re-tell the news story
I’ve been given feedback that I mention my favorite serial killer too quickly at social events.
New neighbor came over and said “I’m required by state law to introduce myself.” Odd pickup line, but guess who has a date tonight, guys!
Establish dominance by bringing a Squatty Potty to a business meeting