We got a dusting of snow here in Michigan. Or as people south of Ohio refer to it: “Death Blizzard 2017.”
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If your tax accountant has a Yahoo email address, you’re getting audited.
HER: [she puts her hand down my pants] mm what do we have in here
ME: [sweatin because thats where I keep my chicken mcnugget stash] nothin
[pearly gates]
Pete:
Me:
Pete:
Me: was it my browser history?
Pete: wAs It mY bRoWsEr HiStOrY
My wife suggested taking Ecstasy to help with sex and so far she’s banged three neighbors and the UPS guy
I don’t care which way the toilet paper faces. I was raised with real problems.
dads on road-trips be like
Spring is the most depressing season because all the birds are getting laid and I’m not
Ikea said if they catch me stealing any more kitchen utensils I’ll be banned for life. But I’m willing to take the whisk.
“Well-behaved women seldom make history,” I quietly say as I don’t wait the full 10 minutes for the oven to preheat.
Obama: any good ideas in how to defeat isis?
*Biden raises hand*
Obama: besides assembling the Avengers?
*Biden lowers hand*
Do you have any candy? NEXT!
Do you have any candy? NEXT!
Do you have any candy? NEXT!~Me. Speed dating.
[sinking in quicksand]
me: oh no
wife: we’ll be fine if we just remain still and wait for help
me: ok
[mambo no. 5 starts to play]
me: OH NO
We should have known how people would handle the pandemic after watching them drive.
*tries to lose weight by talking about it*
For my followers who’ve told me they feel shitty about where they are in life right now. Here’s my answer to y’all.
They say to “dress for the weather you want” so anyways I’m freezing today and metaphors are hard.
I really hope my house is haunted and not in need of structural repairs
it’s always a fun time when a wrong number texts you
me: this used to be a Pizza Hut, you can always tell no matter what they turn it into
prison guard: no talking after lights out
[from the sperm donation room]
Me: *screaming with the door cracked open* I NEED MORE CUPS
Marriages are like pancakes. Sometimes you gotta throw the first one out
I am determined to save money. I don’t care what it takes: making coffee at home, lowering the thermostat, purchasing $200 of stuff I don’t need to qualify for free shipping. Whatever it takes.
ME: I think I have coronavirus, every morning I wake up aching and sick. It usually goes away by the afternoon, but the next day same thing.
FRIEND: It’s a hangover. You’re drinking 2 bottles of wine a night in quarantine.
ME: My God… wine causes the coronavirus!
Women call me ugly until they find out how much money I make.
Then they call me ugly and poor.
Those magical three words you’ve been waiting so long to hear. Red, or white?
Grandma complained that with age, her joints were getting weaker.
Told her to just roll them a little tighter.
I stuff the hamster bubble with Cheetos and roll it across the room to you like a bowling ball. You don’t know what the hell just happened… but you’re in love.
listed a taco bell employee as my emergency contact cause by god, before I leave this shit planet I am having one last chalupa
“It’s April Fools Day. I can’t wait to play tricks on Dad ALL day.” – my 5yo. His first trick: Getting him “coffee,” but putting water in his cup instead. He is so excited.
Me: I swear you’ll be the death of me
Murderer: lol