80% of adulthood is trying to figure out what upset your stomach.
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Whoever said “There is nothing as precious as a child’s laughter” obviously never fell down a flight of stairs in front of his kids.
I call my wife the iNag because she has 32GB of complaints and they’re set on shuffle.
When the atm charges you 3.50 to take out your own money but tells you to cover your pin so you don’t get robbed
I’m not the person to call if you need someone to stop you splurging on 10 new books. I’m the one that will hand you the 11th
*re-dials*
Hey girl, before I come over, did you say you were in a jacuzzi or the yakuza?
They say someone in the US is bitten by a shark 19 times a year.
Poor guy.
Well, lookie there. Bring a cheesecake to a gunfight and suddenly EVERYBODY wishes you’d brought a knife.
You light one person on fire and all of a sudden the police drive by on the daily.
Customer: “Help! I got a text that there was fraud on my account here.”
Me: “Oh no, let me try to help. What’s your account number?”
C: “Oh I don’t have an account at this bank.”
M:…
C:…
M: “Then (inhales for a full minute) there’s no fraud on it.”
Me: oh hey cute kid, she looks just like you!
Her:
Her: I am the nanny
*bursts into a bank*
EVERYBODY GET DOWN ON THE FLOOR. GOOD. NOW PRETEND YOURE A BABY GIRAFFE TRYING TO STAND UP. GOOD. THIS IS AWESOME
“Schrödinger’s Second” is the time immediately after a child collides with an object where they are both hurt and not hurt until observed
This is the smartest joke I’ve ever written
“I am lichenthrope.”
“Don’t you mean lycanthrope?”
“No.” *turns into moss*
ME: it’s a dream come true i never thought my team would sweep the world series
OTHER STADIUM JANITOR: sooner you pick up the broom the sooner we go home
Got a lifetime ban from Target for spending less than $20
i cannot relate to all these YA main characters that have the focus and determination to complete their little tasks and save the world. after about two weeks when the hyperfixation of it wore of, i’d let the planet die bc i discovered knitting
A couple of our wine glasses broke, and I bought slightly smaller ones to replace them.
I don’t think my wife has ever been this mad at me before.
The lights begin to flicker
The hair stands up on your neck
A chill comes over the roomMe to the ghost: STOP TOUCHING THE THERMOSTAT
toddler: Lets go get a cake
wife: Why?
toddler: It’s somebody’s birthday somewhere
me *grabbing my keys* Can’t argue with that
Ladies time to start dating the older dudes
They can get you in the grocery store earlier
me: can i buy you a drink?
her: i’m getting married at 5
me: cool so we have 2 hours
a gander reveal party where everyone thinks the invitation had a typo but they get there and it’s just a duck
If Usain Bolt ever becomes a zombie we are all screwed.
In relationships, it’s important to pay attention to the person’s likes and dislikes. My parole officer, for example, hates to be tickled.
Enrique Iglesias wants to
1. Be your hero
2. Kiss away your pain
3. Stand by you forever
Enrique Iglesias is your mother
“He sees you when you’re sleeping, he knows when you’re awake.” Santa is your cellmate.
I want this Valentines Day to be special. Just give me a hint. Tell me what will make you happy. I’ll do anything.
*me, talking to my dogs
[job interview]
“I’ll never hire you”
ME: [swordfighting a field mouse] Is it cuz I’m swordf-
NO IT’S BECAUSE YOU’RE LOSING TO A FIELD MOUSE