Horse buying tip: ALWAYS ask how much horsepower a horse has. If a horse has less than one horsepower, you’ve got yourself a crap horse.
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I’m still thinking about some great eye contact I got last week. You know when your eyes lock and you both stop talking and just gaze?
Ugh.
Then he kept looking from my left eye to my right eye, back and forth like he was trying to enter my soul through my retinas.
Good stuff.
Hey guys! Remember the golden rules this festive season, when shopping in crowded places;
1/Walk slow
2/Stop for no reason
3/Repeat above
A local man died after a shelf full of routers fell on him.
It was an unexpected LAN slide.
Me(being handcuffed): Oh, now it’s illegal to throw a house warming party?
Cop: For the last time, it’s called arson.
*walks past German Shepherd and nods* Officer…
ACQUAINTANCE: read any good books lately?
ME: yeah, I just finished “How to Make Friends and Hypnotize People”
ACQUAINTANCE: I think it’s “Influence People”
ME: *swinging watch* no it’s not
FRIEND: you’re right buddy, it’s not
*First day as a spy*
Boss: Did you bug the Russian Embassy?
*flashback to me ringing the doorbell and running away over & over*
Me: Ohhh yeh
“Hey, look, is that Dad?”
“Either that or Batman’s really let himself go.”
Against the wall, on the floor and bent over the couch are my favorite places to stretch.
I put a message in a bottle and threw it in the Ocean. The note said “I have Tuberculosis and I coughed in this bottle”
Passwords are more important than ever.
I use a wheelchair. I love it when people ask me if I know one of their friends in a wheelchair, like we’re all in a secret wheelchair club.
Hotel staff that insist on turning the toilet paper into a bow.. stop fingering my toilet paper with your dirty hands, Britney.
There are two sides to every story. Mine comes with french fries and cole slaw.
Online piracy is bad, one time I downloaded a boat
Never underestimate an underachiever. We’re capable of less than you think.
I called someone persnickety today. He looked so taken aback. Some people can’t handle that kind of hip vibe & powerful sensuality I guess.
Nice try, NASA
i was just sitting in my car and someone confused me for an uber and now i guess we’re driving across the country to stop his ex girlfriend’s wedding because he still loves her
Starts a choir that moves around in a boat, preaching how we are all going down into an abyss of damnation.
Names the boat Hell Sinky.
Me: *standing on the subway platform*
Subway employee: “Sir, your feet are in the salami.”
I don’t trust anyone who can pick “one favourite” anything.
Screw you, you decisive jerk.
If Satan ever loses his hair, there’ll be hell toupee
[On a treadmill next to a girl at the gym]
Me: *Out of breath* Feeling the burn?
Her: Yup
Me: Me too!
Her: How? Your machine isn’t even on
People often name their kids after their favourite movie characters. I don’t know why my daughter Chewbacca is so upset with me.
My husband and I got in a fight and I was certain I had the last word until we went to bed and he started snoring
One of our doctors has such good handwriting, I’m beginning to wonder if he’s really qualified.
My daughter claimed that her knife skills are better than Chef Ramsay’s. So I tossed her a potato and asked her to peel it and she said, “With a knife?”
Don’t worry Chef Ramsay, your job is safe!
I pulled a muscle turning over in bed. Cause that’s how I roll.
I love when a pig looks like a disguised quest giving god