I changed my mind..🐕🐾🍪😅
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The neighbor woke me up with his lawn mower. I’m going to sit outside and play my recorder all day.
Doctors just told me I have “stripper lung” from inhaling too much brass polish & if I go back to “JIGGLERS” again I’ll die.
Varied parenting styles on full display when a mom asked a little girl what her favorite song was & she replies, “Jesus Loves Me,” and at my daughter’s turn, she comes back with “Taste Tequila”
I just finished a 5 year relationship. Luckily it wasn’t mine.
Eddie is one of our desert tortoises. If you don’t push the door shut all the way, he will open it and come in. Eddie is probably over 50 years old, and ours is at least the third house in our neighborhood he’s lived at.
4: What does antique mean?
Me: It means old-
4: Oh…like you?
I set up my Nativity scene, but since baby Jesus hasn’t arrived yet, Mary, Joseph and all the Wise Men are just looking down at their phones.
“Taking candy from a baby” would actually be a responsible thing to do.
Hello OnStar? Yes I have an emergency. My wife thinks Pikachu is better than Squirtle. I left her at a gas station. Can you go get her?
Take your ex out tonight (one bullet oughtta do it)
Him at 1am: Wanna come over?
Me: Sure thing, sexy
-Cut to me crawling out of his TV like that girl in The Ring
It’s called a “Monte Cristo” sandwich because one day it will return disguised as another sandwich & seek its revenge
at its core, Harry Potter is a beautiful story about the value of having a hot mom
Me: School is delayed. There’s too much ice.
5-year-old: *whispering* Thanks, Elsa.
Age is somewhat irrelevant as “seen some shit” years will age you faster than anything else.
I read an entire book on my 5 hour flight because I decided not to pay for wifi and now I’m wondering what diseases I could cure if I just gave up on the internet entirely
Every reddit relationship post is like “My husband dropped a big piano on my head and when I emerged from the rubble my teeth had been replaced by the keys. Am I in the wrong?”
A puppy can stab a girl in the face then steal her bag & she’d still be like, “Awwww a puppy.”
I can’t believe they have an entire Clinic just for studying Mayo.
*paints car camouflage*
*stops making payments*
Me: you should join Twitter.
Them: I don’t even like people.
Me: then you’re gonna love it.
A perfectionist walked into a bar. Apparently it wasn’t set high enough.
MATH TEACHER: what is half of thirty
ME: thi
Them: hey, you coming for drinks after work?
Me:…
Hangover status: playing duct, duct, tape with the kids.
Wife: I love that we finish each other’s-
Me: Drinks?
W: What? No. I was gonna say sentences HEY WHERE’S MY
Me: Margarita?
[peels off pepperoni]
she loves me[peels off pepperoni]
she loves me not
*purges outlook inbox
weigh me now
my kidney: can you stop with the alcohol?
my heart: yes and also start eating better?
my brian: do whta yuo liek.
me: love you, brian.
Roger Federer is a bit more than Rog Feder but is less than Rogest Federest