[Bank robbery]
*Other robbers jump into getaway van* “DRIVE! DRIVE! DRIVE!”
“Okie dokie.” * Starts to adjust mirrors*
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Me: Please can you get my iPad in the lounge?
5yr: I think you should poo without it. I just play with my fingers and sing and stuff…
Nutritionist: if you can’t pronounce the first ingredient on the label, you shouldn’t eat it
Me: ok
[at grocery store]
Me: *reading label* k-kw-kwi
Clerk: quinoa
Me: definitely not eating that
That awkward moment when he asks you if you’re mad and you assure him that you’re very happy and he says…
“No, I meant, you seem crazy.”
My wife handed me a mop so I inspected it and said, “You’re good to go, woman!” and now the mop handle is in a funny place.
ME: stop whining before I give you something to whine about
KID: wut? WhAt U gOnNa Do?
ME: change the wi-fi password
KID: nonononono I’m sorry
It’s been 536 days, 5hrs 16min since I’ve spoken to my ex, so clearly I’ve moved on.
When I kiss a girl, sometimes I dont know what to do with my hands, so I slow clap behind her head to make sure she knows I’m enjoying it.
This guy texting in metro besides me keeps covering his phone, like I care about his dinner plans in CP with his girlfrnd “Shona baby”
“I don’t want to see the movie until I read the book first” is why I’ve never watched a movie in my life
What’s the difference between snowmen and snowladies ? Snowballs
Honest job application:
On the whole I’ll do a perfectly adequate job. I’m quiet but not in an odd way. I won’t cause any fuss. Good at hoping people are well in emails (won’t use too many exclamation marks). Generally a good egg.
It’s raining.
I’m going to be late for work.
I can’t fit my hair in the car.
Never eat anything Mario cooks for you. Dude runs around in sewer pipes all day and never washes his hands
*[At the dinner table]*
“No grandma, those aren’t knitting needles. We’re having Chinese food”
Right after Marie Kondo we went through a year of buying crap we don’t need out of sheer cabin fever.
“JELLYFISH ARE NOT MADE OF JELLY AND ALSO THEY ARE NOT VERY NICE!”–I scream from my swollen mouth
When I’m at a restaurant and see ‘secret sauce’ on the menu, I immediately tell the people at the table next to me
Dear guy that just shoplifted a brick from the supply centre, how close are you to finishing the construction of your dream home?
Nice Confederate flag bro, way to commemorate coming in second place in a civil war.
I have to admit, I never thought our son would go that far.
Me neither. This trebuchet is marvellous. Let’s get the cat.
#CatDay #RubbishJokes
#MondayMorning
In 3rd grade the bus driver missed my house but I was too embarrassed to say anything so I got off at the last stop and started a new life.
im awake if anyone wants to go on a cute forest hike and feed me to a bear
I’m not saying my job sucks, I’m just saying that if you tried to abduct me in the office parking lot on my way into work, I’d struggle just until I was out of view of the corporate security cameras. Then I’ll happily get in your van AND I’ll buy you breakfast at Waffle House.
My kids challenged me to a cartwheel contest.
Long story short, now my chiropractor has a new boat.
Dad: Want a donut?
Me: YES!
Dad: *punches my leg* Hurts don’t it lol.
Me: *tasers him* HERTZ DON’T IT LOL.
I don’t remember taking this vow of celibacy.
Mix it up a little. Start answering calls from unrecognized phone numbers with an angry “If this is about the marmot again, I swear to God someone’s going to pay!”
OK doomscrolling is bad but have you SEEN the quality of the doom this week?
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘mnemonic’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Memory Needs Every Method Of Nurturing Its Capacity
My grandmother reached 100 yesterday!
That’s the last time I get in the car with her when she’s late for bingo.